Humor #355

Why do they call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”?

—–

A friend of mine, and her husband, were on vacation.

They visited a church on Sunday.

My friend likes to sit close to the front.

So they entered a pew in the second row.

Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on bench, and said, “This pew is saved.”

Her husband replied, “So are WE!”

—–

Our friend was babysitting her three-year-old grandson, Sean, for the weekend. The first night at dinner my friend said, “Let’s thank God for our food.”

Not used to this practice at home, Sean said, “No! I don’t want to!”

My friend remained calm. “Well, at Grandma’s house, we do say thank you before we eat.”

“You can’t make me,” protested Sean.

Determined to win this battle, his grandmother said more emphatically, “If we don’t pray, we don’t eat.”

“Well,” the youngster replied, “I would say it if you had made mashed potatoes.”

—–

The preschool Sunday school teacher was explaining to her class that Jesus would always be with them even though they could not see him.

“I already know that,” piped up one 4-year-old. “He’s the one who opens the door when we go into a store.”

—–

At an art gallery, a woman and her 10 year old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one.

“I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one,” said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction.

“No,” said the boy. “This painting is wider, so it’ll cover the three holes I put in the wall.”—–

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.

When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, “I’ve never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?”

Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, “Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead!!”

—–

An interim school superintendent, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems. He told them, “You can call me day or night, at this number . . .”

Suddenly there was a cry from the assistant superintendent. “Hey,” he exclaimed,”that’s MY number!”—–

—–

An elderly couple are attending a church service.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, “I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”

He scribbles back, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

—–

A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor’s wife stayed home. When he returned, the Pastor asked his wife what she thought of the young man’s sermon.

“The poorest I’ve ever heard,” she said. “There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn’t even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed.”

Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, “How’d the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?”

“All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful,” he said. “I didn’t have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermons from last year.”

—–

A father worked as an accountant for the Air National Guard.

Despite a regular adequate income he had a “poor” mindset, always unhappy about money matters and very vocal about it.

One year at an air show, in a crowd of many close-by people, his daughter looked up at him and said, “Dad, what do you do out here?”

He answered with a smile, “I pay the bills.”

She looked at him in obvious dismay, looked around, looked back at him, and announced (to the delight of all around), “No wonder we’re so poor!”

Advertisements