Humor #356

I would give my dad what he really wants for his birthday or Father’s Day, but I can’t afford to move out yet.

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New Diet: Yeah I still eat ribs… sparingly.

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A bus driver accidentally left a passenger behind after they had stopped for lunch. Wanting to apologize, the driver called the passenger on the phone.

“I don’t blame you,” the woman told him, “but I’m mad at my husband for not informing you that I wasn’t on the bus.”—–

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Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you’re a Navy SEAL.

Case in point: My grandson’s Kindergarten class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.

One little girl asked, “Can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?”

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When the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought special non-leaded or regular gas, but she couldn’t remember.

“You probably got the cheaper gas,” he said. “That could account for the roughness of the engine.”

“No, the gas wasn’t cheaper!” she replied indignantly.

“Well, how much did it cost?” asked the husband probingly.

“It cost the same as always.” said the wife.

“I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth.”

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Camping is nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

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So what if I can’t spell Armiggedon? It’s not the end of the world.

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My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise. The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream. As they continued home, my sister blurted out, “Isn’t it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?”

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, “Yes.”

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Three nurses went to heaven and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looked at her file and admitted her to heaven.

The second nurse said, “I worked in an operating room. It was a very high-stress environment, and we did our best. Sometimes the patients were too sick and we would lose them, but overall we tried very hard.” St. Peter looked at her file and admitted her to heaven.

The third nurse said, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”

St. Peter looked at her file. He pulled out a calculator and started punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes, St. Peter looked up, smiled, and said, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”

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Two kids are talking to each other. One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”

The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”

The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”

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