Humor #358

When we take our dog on a car journey, we carry his drinking water in a gin bottle. On one occasion we stopped for lunch and let him out of the car. Pouring some water from the bottle into his bowl, I noticed a man watching with fascination.

He came over to me and whispered, “I hope that you’re not going to let him drive!”

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Little Hope was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Hope’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise, “Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?!”

—–

A dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary: Athesaurus

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The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.

Bitterly he asked, “What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?”

The foreman answered, “Insanity.”

The D.A. said, “All twelve of you?”

—–

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother.

“We hadn’t started eating yet.”

I didn’t mean to gain weight; it happened by snaccident.

—–

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, “I don’t think that is going to help much, hon.”

“Sure it does,” he said.

“How else can I see the numbers?”

—–

My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.

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Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice.

She called to remind the people at the clerk’s office that she was exempt because of her age.

“You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” they said.

“I’ve already done that,” she replied. “I did it last year.”

“You have to do it every year,” she was told.

“Why?” came the response. “Do you think I’m going to get younger?”

—–

I’m gonna stop making arbitrary deadlines: starting today.

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