Humor #366

The New Alphabet for Older People

 

A is for arthritis

B is for bad back

C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline

E is for eyesight–can’t read that top line

F is for fissures and fluid retention

G is for gas (which I’d rather not mention)

   And other gastrointestinal glitches

H is high blood pressure

I is for itches

J is for joints that are failing to flex

L  for libido–what happened to sex?

Wait!  I forgot about K for bad knees

(I’ve got a few gaps in my M-memory)

N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis

O is for osteo-

P is for porosis

Q is for queasiness. Fatal?  Just flu?

R is for reflux–one meal becomes two

S is for sleepless nights counting my fears

T is for tinnitus–bells in my ears

U is for difficulties urinary

V is for vertigo

W is worry

About what the X–as in X-ray–will find

But though the word “terminal” rushes to mind,

I’m proud, as each

Y – year – goes by, to reveal

A reservoir of undiminished

Z – zeal—

For checking the symptoms my body’s deployed,

And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.

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Humor #365

At the airport check-in counter, a man overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.

“Sweetie,” the woman replied, “I’ve just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I’m requesting!”

—–

To prepare for my daughter’s First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short while, so I didn’t know the priest there well.

When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn’t remember.

After a brief silence, she chuckled and said, “Ma’am, I’m talking about the name of the baby’s father.”

—–

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8.  The obviously well-trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half.”

“Just bring me a size eight and I’ll explain!” the man replies.

The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain.  He turns to the salesman and says, “I’ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my wife ran off with my best friend and my business has filed Chapter 7.

The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off.”

—–

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 were all excited about their decision to get married.  They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they passed a drugstore.  Jacob suggested that they go in.

Doing so, he addressed the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answered: “Yes.”

Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “What about sugar diabetes.  We both got bad cases.”

Pharmacist: “Oh, but of course.  You name it with that condition and we have the works.”

Jacob: “You have loose bladder and gas pills?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics.”

Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”

—–

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”

Little Johnny raised his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, “You’d be his wife!”

—–

I was telling my first-grade Sunday school class about John the Baptist. Mentioning that he ate locusts and honey comb, I noticed a puzzled look from one of the boys. “Wow,” he mused, “I never knew they had cereal back then!”

—–

Humor #364

Signs – Here and There

The following are actual signs seen across the good ol’ U.S.A.:

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. –Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: 15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament — Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.

—–

Humor #363

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

“What is it made of?” she asked.

“Alligator’s teeth,” the Indian replied.

“I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.”

“Oh no,” he objected.

“Anybody can open an oyster.”

—–

I intend to live forever; so far so good.

—–

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

—–

One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local air force base, I overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed.

When he finished, the counter clerk asked, “Are you getting an award, or do you have an important military function to attend?”

“Nothing like that,” the airman said. “I’m going home on leave, and my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell.”

—–

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

—–

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

—–

A day without sunshine is like, night.

—–

WARNING!! There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.

If you get this email DO NOT OPEN IT!

It is Spam!

—–

In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young woman was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a red light.

She explained to the judge that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge’s eyes.

“You’re a schoolteacher?” he said. “Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court.

Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not drive through red lights’ 500 times!”

—–

Finally, after years of testing business software, I landed my dream job — trying out computer games. My first day at work I was listing various ideas in a spreadsheet program when my manager walked by. He looked at my screen for a moment, then said sternly, “I’d better not catch you using spreadsheets on company time when you know you should be playing games.”

—–

Although we had educated our two oldest children in public schools, we decided to home school our youngest, Lauren. When Lauren asked when she would start school, I told her it would be at least another year. At that time Mommy would be her teacher.

With a worried look, Lauren cried out, “No, no, you can’t do that! Who’ll be my Mommy then?”

—–

On the way to spend the weekend with us, our grandchildren noticed a bright star in the sky. Our daughter, Nancy, told them that it was Mars, which was at its closest and brightest in many thousands of years. She went on to provide a simplified explanation of the solar system suitable for her young listeners in the back seat. Nancy ended her explanation with, “We live on a planet called Earth.”

After a long pause, my four-year-old grandson asked, “What planet does Grandpa live on?”

—–

Employed as a dental receptionist, I was on duty when an extremely nervous patient came for root-canal surgery. He was brought into the examining room and made comfortable in the reclining dental chair. The dentist then injected a numbing agent around the patient’s tooth, and left the room for a few minutes while the medication took hold.

When the dentist returned, the patient was standing next to a tray of dental equipment, “What are you doing by the surgical instruments?” asked the surprised dentist.

Focused on his task, the patient replied, “I’m taking out the ones I don’t like.”—–

—–

Humor #362

Caller ID should be more detailed: “Wants Help Moving,” “Going to Whine,” “Will Ask to Borrow Money.”

—–

Sweet dreams are made of cheese.

Who am I to dis a brie?

—–

Our bathroom is in the back of the house and it’s difficult to hear if someone is on the property to conduct inspections, maintenance or even to visit.

One morning while getting ready for work, and thinking I was the only one at home, I kept hearing something crawl around under my bathroom floor. Thinking that somehow the neighbor’s cat had gotten under the house, I began stomping the floor hard and shouting at the top of my lungs, “Get out of there!” and “Stop that!”

Finally, the moving stopped so I finished getting ready and left for work.

When I returned home that evening, I found a note that the exterminators had been there for their annual inspection. I turned to my husband and said, “Honey, do the exterminators crawl around under the house?”

He said, “Sure, why?”

That’s when I burst out laughing. It took me several minutes to tell my husband what I had done.

He cracked up at the thought of me standing in the bathroom stomping and shouting.

Between laughs, he said, “It’s a good thing he didn’t answer you back or you may have keeled over dead!”

—–

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy.

She also had her seven-year-old son with her.

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, “Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?”

“What do you say?” she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, “You’re thin and beautiful.”

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

—–

Archaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.

—–

A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.

After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.

With maximum drama, he took a 12-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.

He proudly asked his family, “Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty?”

Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, “Depends if you’re drinking or pouring.”

—–

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. (Not even remotely.)

—–

Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

—–

Engineering Fact: An opinion without 3.14 is an onion.

You’ll understand.

—–

When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook couldn’t serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.

As one little boy filled his plate, he said, “It’s about time. At last – a home-cooked meal!”

—–

Humor #361

Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

—–

That SpongeBob: so self-absorbed.

—–

A literature buff, my friend Larry installed an answering machine on his telephone. Instead of the usual instructions about leaving a message, Larry recorded a parody of Hamlet’s famous soliloquy:

“To speak, or not to speak, that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to leave a message after the beep, or to take arms against a sea of answering machines, and by opposing, end them. To dial, to speak, no more. Thus answering machines do make cowards of us all.”

—–

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.

Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell convenience, so I made it risk.”

—–

I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday; usually either Nestle or Captain.

—–

A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams. “Every night,” the man said, “I dream that these three hideous monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack me.”

“Hmmm,” said the doctor. “I feel sure I can cure you of this problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between twenty-five and thirty thousand dollars.”

“Thirty thousand dollars!” the man gasped. “Never mind getting rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I’ll go home and try to make friends with them!”

—–

It seems this Goober was wanting a dog for a pet, so he went to the local pet store to buy one.

He asked the clerk “how much are your dogs?”

She replied, “They are $10.00 apiece.”

The goober replied, “How much for a whole one?!”

—–

Statistics show that statistics can’t be trusted.

—–

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town’s veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply.

“We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”

—–

Hamburger Helper: It works, but only if the hamburger is ready to accept the fact that it needs help.

—–

The staff at a business office was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn’t fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the retiring ‘guest of honor’ into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.

The office workers were not prepared for the glares they received from passers-by, however.

As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.

There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message: “GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN.”

—–

A young man is an avid listener to the city’s police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time.

One morning while making his bed, he heard the dispatcher say,

“Car 34, there is a five-foot boa constrictor in someone’s front yard. The resident wants a police officer to come and remove it.”

There was a long pause, then some static.

Slowly, a voice said, “We can’t get the car started.”

—–

Buyer Beware: Shopping malls have benches, so guys can sit while they give up the will to live.

—–

While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, “Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine,” I said.

“Oh, good,” she continued. “Will you be vacating your parking space now?”

—–

You can’t run through a campground – you can only ran because it’s past tents.

—–

A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache.

He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

“Put two drops in R ear every four hours.”

Humor #360

Church Signs

1. “No God – No Peace? Know God – Know Peace.”
2. “Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!”
3. “Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.”
4. “Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”
5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”
6. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the church reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”
7. “People are like tea bags – you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”
8. “Fight truth decay – study the Bible daily.”
9. “How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Non-smoking?”
10. “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”
11. “Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”
12. “It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”
13. “Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”
14. “If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”
15. “If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”
16. “Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”
17. “This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?” —– (U R)
18. “In the dark? Follow the Son.”
19. “Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up.”
20. “If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”
21. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARKING – FOR MEMBERS ONLY, TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED! That took care of the problem!

—–

Humor #359

Someone suffering from a “severe non-linear waterfowl issue”:

They don’t have all their ducks in a row.

—–

The Not-So-Dumb Blonde

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she’s blonde … it’ll be important later) came in and asked me what I’m doing.

“Shh,” I said, ” I’m a light bulb — I’m acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday.”

A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

“I’m a light bulb!” I exclaimed.

“You’re going crazy,” he said. “Take a few days off, and come back when you are less stressed.”

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started following me and the boss asked where she was going.

“I can’t work in the dark,” she said.

—–

Johnny’s teacher paid a visit to his house one day. When little Johnny opened the door, she asked “Are your father and mother in, Mr. Morton?”

“They was in, but they is out now,” he answered.

The teacher gasped, “Why, Mr. Johnny Morton, it is ‘They were in, but they are out now.’ Where’s your grammar?”

“She’s upstairs taking her nap.”

—–

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed her time, I asked her to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, she asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”

—–

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

—–

Jill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

“Pretty good I think,” replied Jill. “But if I go to work there, I won’t get a vacation unless I’m married.”

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, “Is that what they told you?”

“No,” replied Jill, “they didn’t tell me that, but on the application it said,

‘Vacation time may not be taken until you’ve had your First Anniversary.'”

—–

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

—–

Cheap olive oil: gets a lot of bad press.

—–

One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind. His mother said, “Bobby, why are you crying?”

“Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!” little Bobby wailed.

“Why, that’s not something to cry over,” his mother told him. “That should make you laugh.”

Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, “I DID laugh!”

—–

I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.

The girl replied, “The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, ma’am.”

—–

Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test as part of the application process. Though both of them found the test a breeze, they also both admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: “Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant.”

“How did you answer that last one?” asked Robert. “I thought it was tough at first … then I thought of Superintendent.”

“I think I got it right too,” Pete said. “But I wrote down Horticulturist.”

—–

“How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?” demanded the policeman.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan.

His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

“Aw, come now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.”

“It isn’t?” cried the motorist.

“What happened to my boat and trailer?”

—–