Humor #359

Someone suffering from a “severe non-linear waterfowl issue”:

They don’t have all their ducks in a row.

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The Not-So-Dumb Blonde

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she’s blonde … it’ll be important later) came in and asked me what I’m doing.

“Shh,” I said, ” I’m a light bulb — I’m acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday.”

A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

“I’m a light bulb!” I exclaimed.

“You’re going crazy,” he said. “Take a few days off, and come back when you are less stressed.”

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started following me and the boss asked where she was going.

“I can’t work in the dark,” she said.

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Johnny’s teacher paid a visit to his house one day. When little Johnny opened the door, she asked “Are your father and mother in, Mr. Morton?”

“They was in, but they is out now,” he answered.

The teacher gasped, “Why, Mr. Johnny Morton, it is ‘They were in, but they are out now.’ Where’s your grammar?”

“She’s upstairs taking her nap.”

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As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed her time, I asked her to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, she asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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Jill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

“Pretty good I think,” replied Jill. “But if I go to work there, I won’t get a vacation unless I’m married.”

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, “Is that what they told you?”

“No,” replied Jill, “they didn’t tell me that, but on the application it said,

‘Vacation time may not be taken until you’ve had your First Anniversary.'”

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If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

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Cheap olive oil: gets a lot of bad press.

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One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind. His mother said, “Bobby, why are you crying?”

“Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!” little Bobby wailed.

“Why, that’s not something to cry over,” his mother told him. “That should make you laugh.”

Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, “I DID laugh!”

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I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.

The girl replied, “The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, ma’am.”

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Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test as part of the application process. Though both of them found the test a breeze, they also both admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: “Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant.”

“How did you answer that last one?” asked Robert. “I thought it was tough at first … then I thought of Superintendent.”

“I think I got it right too,” Pete said. “But I wrote down Horticulturist.”

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“How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?” demanded the policeman.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan.

His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

“Aw, come now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.”

“It isn’t?” cried the motorist.

“What happened to my boat and trailer?”

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