Caller ID should be more detailed: “Wants Help Moving,” “Going to Whine,” “Will Ask to Borrow Money.”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to dis a brie?
Our bathroom is in the back of the house and it’s difficult to hear if someone is on the property to conduct inspections, maintenance or even to visit.
One morning while getting ready for work, and thinking I was the only one at home, I kept hearing something crawl around under my bathroom floor. Thinking that somehow the neighbor’s cat had gotten under the house, I began stomping the floor hard and shouting at the top of my lungs, “Get out of there!” and “Stop that!”
Finally, the moving stopped so I finished getting ready and left for work.
When I returned home that evening, I found a note that the exterminators had been there for their annual inspection. I turned to my husband and said, “Honey, do the exterminators crawl around under the house?”
He said, “Sure, why?”
That’s when I burst out laughing. It took me several minutes to tell my husband what I had done.
He cracked up at the thought of me standing in the bathroom stomping and shouting.
Between laughs, he said, “It’s a good thing he didn’t answer you back or you may have keeled over dead!”
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy.
She also had her seven-year-old son with her.
Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, “Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?”
“What do you say?” she asked.
Respectfully, the boy replied, “You’re thin and beautiful.”
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
Archaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.
They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.
A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.
After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.
With maximum drama, he took a 12-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.
He proudly asked his family, “Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty?”
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, “Depends if you’re drinking or pouring.”
It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. (Not even remotely.)
Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
Engineering Fact: An opinion without 3.14 is an onion.
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook couldn’t serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, “It’s about time. At last – a home-cooked meal!”