Humor #363

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

“What is it made of?” she asked.

“Alligator’s teeth,” the Indian replied.

“I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.”

“Oh no,” he objected.

“Anybody can open an oyster.”

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I intend to live forever; so far so good.

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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

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One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local air force base, I overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed.

When he finished, the counter clerk asked, “Are you getting an award, or do you have an important military function to attend?”

“Nothing like that,” the airman said. “I’m going home on leave, and my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell.”

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If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

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A day without sunshine is like, night.

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WARNING!! There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.

If you get this email DO NOT OPEN IT!

It is Spam!

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In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young woman was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a red light.

She explained to the judge that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge’s eyes.

“You’re a schoolteacher?” he said. “Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court.

Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not drive through red lights’ 500 times!”

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Finally, after years of testing business software, I landed my dream job — trying out computer games. My first day at work I was listing various ideas in a spreadsheet program when my manager walked by. He looked at my screen for a moment, then said sternly, “I’d better not catch you using spreadsheets on company time when you know you should be playing games.”

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Although we had educated our two oldest children in public schools, we decided to home school our youngest, Lauren. When Lauren asked when she would start school, I told her it would be at least another year. At that time Mommy would be her teacher.

With a worried look, Lauren cried out, “No, no, you can’t do that! Who’ll be my Mommy then?”

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On the way to spend the weekend with us, our grandchildren noticed a bright star in the sky. Our daughter, Nancy, told them that it was Mars, which was at its closest and brightest in many thousands of years. She went on to provide a simplified explanation of the solar system suitable for her young listeners in the back seat. Nancy ended her explanation with, “We live on a planet called Earth.”

After a long pause, my four-year-old grandson asked, “What planet does Grandpa live on?”

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Employed as a dental receptionist, I was on duty when an extremely nervous patient came for root-canal surgery. He was brought into the examining room and made comfortable in the reclining dental chair. The dentist then injected a numbing agent around the patient’s tooth, and left the room for a few minutes while the medication took hold.

When the dentist returned, the patient was standing next to a tray of dental equipment, “What are you doing by the surgical instruments?” asked the surprised dentist.

Focused on his task, the patient replied, “I’m taking out the ones I don’t like.”—–

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