At the airport check-in counter, a man overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.
“Sweetie,” the woman replied, “I’ve just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I’m requesting!”
To prepare for my daughter’s First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short while, so I didn’t know the priest there well.
When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn’t remember.
After a brief silence, she chuckled and said, “Ma’am, I’m talking about the name of the baby’s father.”
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well-trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half.”
“Just bring me a size eight and I’ll explain!” the man replies.
The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, “I’ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my wife ran off with my best friend and my business has filed Chapter 7.
The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off.”
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 were all excited about their decision to get married. They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they passed a drugstore. Jacob suggested that they go in.
Doing so, he addressed the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answered: “Yes.”
Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”
Jacob: “What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases.”
Pharmacist: “Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works.”
Jacob: “You have loose bladder and gas pills?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics.”
Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raised his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, “You’d be his wife!”
I was telling my first-grade Sunday school class about John the Baptist. Mentioning that he ate locusts and honey comb, I noticed a puzzled look from one of the boys. “Wow,” he mused, “I never knew they had cereal back then!”