Humor #374

Words Not Yet In The Dictionary (#1)

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor’ de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib’ re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to (a) suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg’ uh side) n. When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz’ aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, “Do you work here?”

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will ‘remove’ all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub’ ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye’ ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

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Humor #373

Top 10 songs for the over 40 crowd

10.Let’s Get a Physical
9. Ain’t No Burrito Mild Enough
8. Johnny B. Olde
7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
6. The Lack O’ Motion
5. Hair Potion Number Nine
4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and…)
3. To All the Girls I’ve Disappointed Before
2. A Hard Day’s Nap

And the Number One song for people over 40 …

1. Knock Knock Knockin’ on the Bathroom Door

Humor #372

Pensive Parade: Running with bulls is a really stupid idea … when you stop and think about it.

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Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, “What kind of boy did your daughter marry?”

“Oh, he’s wonderful,” gushed the mother. “He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlour regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night.”

“That’s sounds lovely,” said the woman. “What about your son?”

“I’m not so happy about that,” the mother sighed. “His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlour, and makes them eat take-out meals!”

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The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.

She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

“Now, said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?”

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. “To make the gravy,” came her enthusiastic reply.

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Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.

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Perkatory: That awful time spent waiting for the first cup of coffee to be ready.

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The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

“When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn’t lose any of them.”

“Now,” she added, looking around at her brood of nine, “I dress them alike so we won’t pick up any that don’t belong to us.”

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I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster; if anything, it made him more sluggish.

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How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

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A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replied, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

 

Humor #371

Toy Disclaimers

* No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

* Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

* Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

* Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

* Some dismemberment may occur.

* Do not purchase this toy at all.  Put it back on the shelf!  NOW!!  Just walk away, timid little man.

* Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast — especially when you’ve already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale — may result in bodily injury.

* Do not stare at product.  Hey!  You’re doing it now!  Cut that out!!

* In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.

* Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

* Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.

*Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

* NOTE: The makers of “Queen Amidala’s Naboo Dream Palace” assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.

* Some assimilation required.  Resistance is futile.

Humor #370

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

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I didn’t mean to gain weight.

It happened by snaccident.

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A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”

“Well, Honey…” said the slightly prudish parent, “the stork brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.

“Oh, the stork brought us too.”

“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.

“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

“This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera!

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My seven-year-old daughter wanted to take violin lessons, so I took her to a music store to rent an instrument. Hoping she would understand the importance of practicing, I explained that violin lessons were expensive so she would have to work hard.

“There may be times when you feel like giving up,” I said, “but I want you to hang in there and keep on trying.”

She nodded and then in her most serious voice said, “It will be just like marriage, right Mommy?”

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An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decided to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork.

He went to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season, entered the empty dining hall and sat down at a table in the far corner.  The waiter arrived, and the rabbi ordered roast suckling pig.

As the rabbi was waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walked in!  They immediately saw the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they joined him.  Shocked, the rabbi began to sweat.

Eventually, the waiter arrived with a huge domed platter.  He lifted the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig.

“This place is amazing!” cries the rabbi.  “You order a baked apple, and look what you get!”

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The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

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Thank-you student loans for getting me through university.

I don’t think I can ever repay you!

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No one is listening until you make a mistake.

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Humor #369

I tried taking some high-res pictures of some local farmland;

but they all turned out really grainy

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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

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My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”

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If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments!

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Question: If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing??

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A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, “Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?”

“The glaciers brought them down,” said the guide.

“But where are the glaciers?” The lady asked.

“The glaciers,” said the guide in a weary voice, “have gone back for more rocks.”

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild …

except for the seldom seen penfish which is said to be even mightier.

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Little Emily, the minister’s daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

“What’s wrong, dear?” asked the pastor.

“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.

“How did he break it, Emily?”

“I hit him over the head with it.”

Humor #368

Waterology

I’m sure you’ve heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whether you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard.

Optimist:
The glass is half full.

Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.

Apple Computer:
You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

Assembly programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.

Basic programmers:
No thanks; I’m still breast-feeding.

Bill Gates:
Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.

CIA:
What makes you think that’s milk?

National news media:
Hey, we wanted OJ!

NSA:
We know what it really is.

Copy protection crazies:
Somebody drank half my milk and didn’t pay for it!

Feminist:
How come HIS glass is bigger than MINE?

Free Software Foundation:
That milk is the cow’s contribution to all mankind!

Futurist:
The milk’s in the wrong half of the glass.

Fuzzy logic guys:
I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.

IBM:
Rent the glass from us and we’ll fill it with something we know is good for you.

Idealist:
In a decent world, this glass would be filled to the brim and big enough for everyone to enjoy.

IRS:
Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year.

Mac users:
Where’s my pump?

Schroedinger:
That stupid cat got into the milk again!

Security consultant:
Where’d the rest of the milk go?

Shareware game author:
That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.