Two wrongs are only the beginning.
I didn’t mean to gain weight.
It happened by snaccident.
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”
“Well, Honey…” said the slightly prudish parent, “the stork brought you to us.”
“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.
“Oh, the stork brought us too.”
“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.
“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
“This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera!
My seven-year-old daughter wanted to take violin lessons, so I took her to a music store to rent an instrument. Hoping she would understand the importance of practicing, I explained that violin lessons were expensive so she would have to work hard.
“There may be times when you feel like giving up,” I said, “but I want you to hang in there and keep on trying.”
She nodded and then in her most serious voice said, “It will be just like marriage, right Mommy?”
An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decided to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork.
He went to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season, entered the empty dining hall and sat down at a table in the far corner. The waiter arrived, and the rabbi ordered roast suckling pig.
As the rabbi was waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walked in! They immediately saw the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they joined him. Shocked, the rabbi began to sweat.
Eventually, the waiter arrived with a huge domed platter. He lifted the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig.
“This place is amazing!” cries the rabbi. “You order a baked apple, and look what you get!”
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
Thank-you student loans for getting me through university.
I don’t think I can ever repay you!
No one is listening until you make a mistake.