Humor #382

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.

The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. “It was the darndest thing…  it was the darndest thing.” she kept repeating dazedly.

“What was the darndest thing, Ma’am?” asked one of the rescuers.

“I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath and all I did was pull the plug and the whole derned house suddenly drained away.”

—–

A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, “Wake up, someone is breaking in!”

The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out.

This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.

As the thief was about to flee the man said, “You have to come with me and meet my wife.”

Astounded, the thief said, “Why would you want me to meet your wife?”

The man replied, “Well, she’s been expecting you for 20 years.”

—–

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

—–

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

“Yes?”

“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15.”

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

“8:25!”

The jogger said thanks and left.

Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!” Once again he settled back to sleep.

He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”

—–

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

—–

They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.

—–

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

“I’ve just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.

The curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.

“You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”

“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 shekels on Goliath’.”

—–

Humor #381

AAADD

They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition.

Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I’m going to wash the car. But first I’m going to go through the mail.

I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan is full. Ok, I’ll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I’m going to be near the mailbox anyway, I’ll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there’s only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk.

Oh, there’s the coke I was drinking. I’m going to look for those checks.
But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I’ll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I’d better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots – – Aaaaaagh!

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We’ll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I’d better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do.

End of Day: The car isn’t washed, the bills are unpaid, and the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can’t seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and I’ll get help, BUT FIRST I think I’ll check my e-mail…

The Many Names of CHRIST

The Many Names of CHRIST

To the ARTIST He is the One Altogether Lovely.

To the ARCHITECT He is the Chief Corner Stone.

To the BAKER He is the Living Bread.

To the BANKER He is the Hidden Treasure.

To the BIOLOGIST He is the Life.

To the BUILDER He is the Sure Foundation.

To the CARPENTER He is the Door.

To the DOCTOR He is the Great Physician.

To the EDUCATOR He is the Great Teacher.

To the ENGINEER He is the New and Living Way.

To the FLORIST He is the Rose of Sharon and the Lily of the Valley.

To the GEOLOGIST He is the Rock of Ages.

To the HORTICULTURIST He is the True Vine.

To the JUDGE He is the Righteous Judge, the Judge of All Men.

To the JEWELER He is the Pearl of Great Price.

To the LAWYER He is the Counselor, the Lawgiver, the Advocate.

To the NEWSPAPER He is the Good Tidings of Great Joy.

To the OCULIST He is the Light of the Eyes.

To the PHILANTHROPIST He is the Unspeakable Gift.

To the PHILOSOPHER He is the Wisdom of God.

To the PREACHER He is the Word of God.

To the SCULPTOR He is the Living Stone.

To the SERVANT He is the Good Master.

To the STATESMAN He is the Desire of All Nations.

To the STUDENT He is the Incarnate Truth.

To the THEOLOGIAN He is the Author and Finisher of our Faith.

To the TOILER He is the Giver of Rest.

To the SINNER He is the Lamb of God that takes away the sins of the World.

To the CHRISTIAN He is the Son of the Living God, the Savior, the Redeemer and the Lord.

To me…HE is all of this and more,

HE is my everything, my all in all.

HE is more than LIFE to me,

~MY SOON COMING KING~

What is He to you?

Humor #380

Askhole: A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.

—–

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy.

“When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, every computer game and CD player in his room!”

“So how do you handle it?” his friend asked.

“I send him to MY room!”

—–

On one hand, I’m indecisive, but on the other, I’m not.

—–

I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, “Pastor, I was born blind, and I’ve been blind all my life. I don’t mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed.”

The pastor asked her, “Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?”

“Yes I do,” she replied.

“Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane,” he said. “Then tell them, ‘If you had more faith that wouldn’t hurt!'”

—–

A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Four small children scurried around her.

Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.

“Here,” she said, handing him the coats,

“This time you put the children into their coats, and I’ll go honk the horn.”

—–

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn’t take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. “What’s that?” she demanded.

“If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma,” said one of the interns, “just press that button.”

“What does it do, ring a bell?” she asked.

“No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,” the intern replied.

“A light in the hall?” responded Grandma. “Look, I’m the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.”

—–

A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”

“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” replied the boy’s father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, “That’s a rather strange ambition to have for a career.”

“Well,” said the boy’s father, “he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”

—–

Humor #379

Humorous Phone Calls

Caller: I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I’m sorry, there’s no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Caller: I’d like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can’t find a town called ‘Woven’? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That’s what it says on the label – Woven in Scotland.

Caller: I’d like the RSPCA, please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.

Caller: The water board, please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water

Operator: How are you spelling that?
Caller: With letters.

Caller: I’d like the number for a Reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators, please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Er, yes.

Humor #378

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year: only 20 to go!

—–

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.

She had been told the combination, but couldn’t quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor’s study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.

Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. “I’m in awe at your faith, pastor,” she said.

“It’s really nothing,” he answered.

“The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.”

—–

I am always going the extra mile: because I never stop for directions.

—–

If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would they be called cellfies?

—–

A middle-aged man wasn’t feeling well, so he went to the doctor for a check up.

After a thorough examination, the doctor said, “Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking.”

The man said, “Well, to be honest with you Doc, I don’t deserve the best. What’s the second best?”

—–

I need to get in shape; if I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.

—–

I just want to be as thin as my patience.

—–

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”

The preacher paused and then replied, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

—–

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded yes.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?” Again, the boy nodded yes.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”

—–

 

Humor #377

Housecleaning Philosophy

I don’t do windows because…
I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don’t wax floors because…
I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I’ll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)

I don’t mind the dust bunnies because…
They are very good company; I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don’t disturb cobwebs because…
I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don’t Spring Clean because…
I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous.

I don’t put things away because…
My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because…
I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don’t iron because…
I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press.”

I don’t stress much on anything because…
“A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ woman!!!