My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year: only 20 to go!
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.
She had been told the combination, but couldn’t quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor’s study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.
Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. “I’m in awe at your faith, pastor,” she said.
“It’s really nothing,” he answered.
“The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.”
I am always going the extra mile: because I never stop for directions.
If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would they be called cellfies?
A middle-aged man wasn’t feeling well, so he went to the doctor for a check up.
After a thorough examination, the doctor said, “Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking.”
The man said, “Well, to be honest with you Doc, I don’t deserve the best. What’s the second best?”
I need to get in shape; if I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”
The preacher paused and then replied, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded yes.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?” Again, the boy nodded yes.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”