Askhole: A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.
An irritated father complained to his golf buddy.
“When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, every computer game and CD player in his room!”
“So how do you handle it?” his friend asked.
“I send him to MY room!”
On one hand, I’m indecisive, but on the other, I’m not.
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, “Pastor, I was born blind, and I’ve been blind all my life. I don’t mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed.”
The pastor asked her, “Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?”
“Yes I do,” she replied.
“Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane,” he said. “Then tell them, ‘If you had more faith that wouldn’t hurt!'”
A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Four small children scurried around her.
Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.
“Here,” she said, handing him the coats,
“This time you put the children into their coats, and I’ll go honk the horn.”
Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn’t take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. “What’s that?” she demanded.
“If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma,” said one of the interns, “just press that button.”
“What does it do, ring a bell?” she asked.
“No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,” the intern replied.
“A light in the hall?” responded Grandma. “Look, I’m the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.”
A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” replied the boy’s father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, “That’s a rather strange ambition to have for a career.”
“Well,” said the boy’s father, “he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”