Humor #382

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.

The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. “It was the darndest thing…  it was the darndest thing.” she kept repeating dazedly.

“What was the darndest thing, Ma’am?” asked one of the rescuers.

“I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath and all I did was pull the plug and the whole derned house suddenly drained away.”

—–

A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, “Wake up, someone is breaking in!”

The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out.

This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.

As the thief was about to flee the man said, “You have to come with me and meet my wife.”

Astounded, the thief said, “Why would you want me to meet your wife?”

The man replied, “Well, she’s been expecting you for 20 years.”

—–

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

—–

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

“Yes?”

“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15.”

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

“8:25!”

The jogger said thanks and left.

Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!” Once again he settled back to sleep.

He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”

—–

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

—–

They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.

—–

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

“I’ve just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.

The curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.

“You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”

“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 shekels on Goliath’.”

—–

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