Humor #389

I combined all of my wrist watches to make a belt!

It’s a complete waist of time!

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A man who sued an airline because his luggage went missing … has lost his case.

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I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees.

After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.

“Now,” he said, “what do I have to do to collect the money?”

—–

Billion dollar idea: a smoke detector that shuts off when you yell, “I’m just cooking!”

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A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and began circling his head.

Wouldn’t you know it, the bug flew right into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

It went in one ear and out the udder.

—–

 

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, very expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, “My dog got hold of this.”

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter.

“Well, what do you recommend?” I asked.

He looked at me and replied, “Give your dog the other shoe.”

—–

On one occasion William Howard Taft, in his work as an attorney, took a train to Somerville, about 40 miles north of his home in Cincinnati.

At the end of the day he knew that the policy of the railway was not to stop for just one passenger to board. He therefore sent this telegram: “Stop at Somerville for a large party.”

As the train came to a halt, Taft began to board the train, and conductor asked, “Where’s the large party?”

Taft, with all of his 335 pounds replied, “I’m the large party.”

—–

I might wake up early and go running … but I also might win the lottery; the odds are about the same.

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I combined all of my wrist watches to make a belt!

It’s a complete waist of time!

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The Legend of the Christmas Tree Angel

A favorite story (repost from 2014)

 

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”

Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass…

Christmas Gift Suggestions

 

 

 

Christmas gift suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart.
To a customer, service.
To all, charity.
To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect.
To Jesus, all.

Humor #387

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

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A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

“Jeffrey,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear that?”

“My daddy said it,” he responded.

“Well, it doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher. “You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do so!” Jeffrey corrected. “It means the car won’t start.”

—–

When chemists die, they barium.

—–

Mrs. Frobisher and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, and everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over, Patty asked her mother,

“Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?”

“How do you mean, ‘change her mind’?” asked Mrs. Frobisher.

“Well,” said the child, “she went into the church with one man and came out with another!”

—–

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.

Her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents’ private conversations.

One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

“Yes!” the 4-year-old said, “and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!!”

—–

When I was little, I didn’t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me; looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious that my parents didn’t care either.

—–

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid.

He says he can stop any time.

—–

A minister was opening his mail one morning and drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “FOOL.”

The next Sunday he announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name.

“But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name but forgot to write a letter.”

—–

Several years ago, the London Transit Authority had a problem. Buses were going right past passengers who were waiting at designated places to be picked up. They were at the bus stops, and the buses were sailing right past them. The London Transit Authority released a statement to explain their actions. The statement said it was impossible for them to maintain schedules if they always had to stop and pick up passengers.

—–

Humor #386

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.

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How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

—–

Amy and Judy are old friends.

They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn’t find her attractive anymore.

“As I get older he doesn’t bother to look at me!” Amy cries.

“I’m so sorry for you. As I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day,” replies Judy.

“Yes, but your husband’s an antique dealer!”

—–

A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.

After checking the chart, the doctor nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.

The man asked, “How often do I take these?”

“Let’s start off with one every six hours. But they’re not for you,” replied the doctor.

“They’re for your wife.”

—–

—–

Every warning label has an awesome backstory.

—–

The man who created auto-correct has died;

may he restaurant in peace.

—–

What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

—–

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer.  Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.  It was an obsession.  One Sunday was a particularly picture perfect day for golfing; the sun was out, there were no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do but shortly the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at that preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!”

God smiled. “Think about it — who can he tell?”

Humor #385

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do…(especially when you share the same major!)

PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.

THEATRE: “OH! Life is… ENDED… as we KNOW it!”

PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM: “Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks…”

WOMEN’S STUDIES: “HE did it!”

BUSINESS: Both decide that they’re spending way too much money together, and that it’s simply cheaper to be single.

HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.

God’s Beauty Tips

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others.

To lose weight, let go of stress, hatred, anger, discontentment, and the need to control others.

To improve your ears, listen to the Word of God.

For poise, walk with knowledge and self-esteem.

To strengthen your arms, hug at least 3 people a day; touch someone with your love.

To strengthen your heart, forgive yourself and others.

For the ultimate in business, casual or evening attire, put on the robe of Christ; it fits like a glove but allows room for growth.

Best of all, it never goes out of style and is appropriate for any occasion.

Doing these things on a daily basis will certainly make you a more beautiful person.

– Author Unknown

Humor #384

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’ He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil neck. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him more names. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.

—–

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me!

—–

Told the doctor I thought I had athlete’s foot; he looked at me and said, “I don’t think you have athlete’s anything.”

—–

What does a clock do when it’s hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

—–

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

—–

We just had a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.

I hope there is no pop quiz.

—–

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

—–

Anyone who says, “Easy as taking candy from a baby!” has never tried.

—–

I did a theatrical performance about puns.

It was a play on words.

—–

Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. “I’ll implant a hypnotic suggestion in your mind,” said the shrink. “Just say ‘one-two-three,’ and you’ll give the presentation of your life. However, do not say ‘one-two-three-four,’ because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool of yourself.”

The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work, and got a standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to start.  The sales rep whispered under his breath, “One-two-three.”

Then the CEO asked, “What did you say ‘one-two-three’ for?”

—–

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “Just do it!!”

Humor #383

*Catholic Dictionary*

AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:
1.  Parish information, read only during the homily.
2.  Catholic air conditioning.
3.  Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER:
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN:
The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE:
Holy Smoke!

JESUITS:
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH:
The original “Jaws” story.

JUSTICE:
When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON:
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:
1.  Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
2.  The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW:
1.  A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
2.  The word spoken when Incense is used.

PROCESSION:
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL:
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass – led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS:
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS:
The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew, or which ones are broken.