Humor #384

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’ He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil neck. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him more names. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.

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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me!

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Told the doctor I thought I had athlete’s foot; he looked at me and said, “I don’t think you have athlete’s anything.”

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What does a clock do when it’s hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

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Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

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We just had a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.

I hope there is no pop quiz.

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

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Anyone who says, “Easy as taking candy from a baby!” has never tried.

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I did a theatrical performance about puns.

It was a play on words.

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Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. “I’ll implant a hypnotic suggestion in your mind,” said the shrink. “Just say ‘one-two-three,’ and you’ll give the presentation of your life. However, do not say ‘one-two-three-four,’ because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool of yourself.”

The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work, and got a standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to start.  The sales rep whispered under his breath, “One-two-three.”

Then the CEO asked, “What did you say ‘one-two-three’ for?”

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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “Just do it!!”

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