I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’ He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil neck. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him more names. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me!
Told the doctor I thought I had athlete’s foot; he looked at me and said, “I don’t think you have athlete’s anything.”
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
We just had a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
I hope there is no pop quiz.
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
Anyone who says, “Easy as taking candy from a baby!” has never tried.
I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.
Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. “I’ll implant a hypnotic suggestion in your mind,” said the shrink. “Just say ‘one-two-three,’ and you’ll give the presentation of your life. However, do not say ‘one-two-three-four,’ because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool of yourself.”
The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work, and got a standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to start. The sales rep whispered under his breath, “One-two-three.”
Then the CEO asked, “What did you say ‘one-two-three’ for?”
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “Just do it!!”