Humor #387

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

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A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

“Jeffrey,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear that?”

“My daddy said it,” he responded.

“Well, it doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher. “You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do so!” Jeffrey corrected. “It means the car won’t start.”

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When chemists die, they barium.

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Mrs. Frobisher and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, and everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over, Patty asked her mother,

“Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?”

“How do you mean, ‘change her mind’?” asked Mrs. Frobisher.

“Well,” said the child, “she went into the church with one man and came out with another!”

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When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.

Her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents’ private conversations.

One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

“Yes!” the 4-year-old said, “and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!!”

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When I was little, I didn’t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me; looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious that my parents didn’t care either.

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I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid.

He says he can stop any time.

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A minister was opening his mail one morning and drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “FOOL.”

The next Sunday he announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name.

“But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name but forgot to write a letter.”

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Several years ago, the London Transit Authority had a problem. Buses were going right past passengers who were waiting at designated places to be picked up. They were at the bus stops, and the buses were sailing right past them. The London Transit Authority released a statement to explain their actions. The statement said it was impossible for them to maintain schedules if they always had to stop and pick up passengers.

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