Humor #395

Interview Phrases

Phrases for you to use in a job interview – or to interpret when interviewing!

Phrase: I’m extremely adept at all manners of office organization.
Meaning: I’ve used Microsoft Office.

Phrase: I’m honest, hard-working and dependable.
Meaning: I pilfer office supplies.

Phrase: I take pride in my work.
Meaning: I blame others for any mistakes.

Phrase: I’m personable.
Meaning: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

Phrase: I am very adaptable.
Meaning: I’ve changed jobs a lot.

Phrase: I am on the go.
Meaning: I’m never at my desk.

Phrase: I’m highly motivated to succeed.
Meaning: The minute I find a better job, I’m outta here.

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Humor #394

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying “Free to good home, You want it — you take it.”

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal – looks to good to be true – so he changed the sign to read “Fridge for sale $50.”

The next day someone stole it.

—–

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.

The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said the young student confidently. “It means ‘carrying a child’.”

—–

While driving with my granddaughter, I was getting annoyed with the driver ahead of me and I said, “Come on Sam, get moving.”

The next week we were on the same road again with another slow driver ahead. Again I said, “Come on Sam, get moving.”

My granddaughter quickly replied, “That’s not Sam. Sam has a blue car.”

—–

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

“Go down the hill,” I told them, “out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you’ll see it on your right.”

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. “They’re folks are from England,” he said. “I think they’re looking for the elevator.”

—–

I live in Texas. I have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were.

When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, “Yeah, they’re good paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don’t know where the lighthouses are to apply.”

I told them, “There are no lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper.”

Sure enough, there were ads for… “Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person.”

—–

My wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall.

“He can be reached at 4700, Ma’am,” the soldier advised.

With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, “And just what time is that?”

—–

During one of our weekly weight-loss classes, the group leader was extolling the merits of the program’s prepared-food products.

She raved about the rich, delicious flavor of the imitation chocolate fudge and the nondairy pops, assuring us that we could eat them without the least fear of ruining our diets.

 

The woman next to me nodded her head emphatically and then whispered, “They’re even better when you spread peanut butter on them!”

—–

Humor #393

Hey Google! Tell me a joke!

Google Home is Google’s version of the Amazon Echo, and also has a sense of humor (relatively speaking)…

What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant? Run around in circles until you are all pooped out.

What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?

Why are archaeologists so annoyed? They always have a bone to pick.

Did you hear about the new anti-gravity book? Apparently you can’t put it down.

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!

If you cross your fingers after surgery you’ll heal faster. Or maybe it’s just super-stitchin.

Did you hear about the quarry that went out of business? They hit rock bottom.

What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator? An investigator.

How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Whatever.

Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.

What do you do if you see a spaceman? you park your car, man.

If a short psychic broke out of jail you would have a small medium at large.

How do you get rid of butterflies in your stomach? Stop eating caterpillars.

The past the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What kind of music do bunnies like best? Hip hop.

Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper water makes them sneeze?

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course! Houses can’t jump.

—–

Humor #392

“All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman…. “

–It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.

–Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

–Wearing white is always appropriate.

–Winter is the best of the four seasons.

–It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

–There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.

–We’re all made up of mostly water.

–You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.

–Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

–Avoid yellow snow.

–Don’t get too much sun.

–It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.

–It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.

–Always put your best foot forward.

–There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

 

Humor #391

Attainable New Year’s Resolutions

This year, I resolve to…

– Procrastinate

– Gain weight; at least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising; waste of time.

– Read less; makes you think.

– Watch more TV; I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more; starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Don’t have eight children at once.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: bring back disco.

– Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted.  Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Don’t eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Don’t believe politicians.

– Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the International Space Station.

– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.

– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

Humor #390

happynewyearfireworkspompomlots

(A repost as we think of our New Year’s resolutions to exercise.)

TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY EXERCISES

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn’t want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing my pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing my weight around

07) Dragging my heels

08) Pushing my luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting my own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting my foot in my mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I’ll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

The Holy Alphabet

happynewyearfireworkspompomlots

 

 

 

The Holy Alphabet

Although things are not perfect

Because of trial or pain

Continue in thanksgiving

Do not begin to blame.

Even when the times are hard

Fierce winds are bound to blow

God is forever able

Hold on to what you know.

Imagine life without His love

Joy would cease to be,

Keep thanking Him for all the things

Love imparts to thee.

Move out of “Camp Complaining”

No weapon that is known

On earth can yield the power

Praise can do alone.

Quit looking at the future

Redeem the time at hand

Start every day with worship

To “thank” is a command.

Until we see Him coming

Victorious in the sky

We’ll run the race with gratitude

Xalting God Most High.

Yes, there’ll be good times and yes some will be bad, but…

Zion waits in glory…where none are ever sad!

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