Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying “Free to good home, You want it — you take it.”
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal – looks to good to be true – so he changed the sign to read “Fridge for sale $50.”
The next day someone stole it.
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.
The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
“Sure,” said the young student confidently. “It means ‘carrying a child’.”
While driving with my granddaughter, I was getting annoyed with the driver ahead of me and I said, “Come on Sam, get moving.”
The next week we were on the same road again with another slow driver ahead. Again I said, “Come on Sam, get moving.”
My granddaughter quickly replied, “That’s not Sam. Sam has a blue car.”
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
“Go down the hill,” I told them, “out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you’ll see it on your right.”
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. “They’re folks are from England,” he said. “I think they’re looking for the elevator.”
I live in Texas. I have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were.
When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, “Yeah, they’re good paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don’t know where the lighthouses are to apply.”
I told them, “There are no lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper.”
Sure enough, there were ads for… “Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person.”
My wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall.
“He can be reached at 4700, Ma’am,” the soldier advised.
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, “And just what time is that?”
During one of our weekly weight-loss classes, the group leader was extolling the merits of the program’s prepared-food products.
She raved about the rich, delicious flavor of the imitation chocolate fudge and the nondairy pops, assuring us that we could eat them without the least fear of ruining our diets.
The woman next to me nodded her head emphatically and then whispered, “They’re even better when you spread peanut butter on them!”