Humor #403

On my birthday I got a really funny card. It joked about how our bodies might be getting older, but our minds remain “tarp as shacks.”

I wanted to thank the person who sent it, but I can’t. They forgot to sign the card.

—–

“You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?” asked the judge.

“Yes,” answered the suspect.

“And what did you steal?”

“A dress, Your Honor,” replied the subject.

“One dress?” echoed the judge. “But you admit breaking in four times!”

“Yes, Your Honor,” sighed the suspect. “But my wife didn’t like the color.”

—–

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.

In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

“Mom, this is Susan and I’m sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I’m going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad’s car has a flat but it’s not my fault. Honest! I don’t know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don’t be mad, okay?”

Since I don’t have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.

“I’m sorry dear,” I replied, “but you’ve reached the wrong number. I don’t have a daughter named Susan.”

“Wow, Mom,” the young woman’s voice replied. “I didn’t think you’d be this mad.”

—–

I hate making spelling errors on Facebook; mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

—–

The invention of the shovel was ground breaking, but it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation. You will agree however, that it was the wheel that really got things rolling.

—–

The matchbook really caught fire when it hit the market.

—–

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant. They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.

“Sorry,” the waitress says, “You can`t eat your own food here.”

The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

—–

“So, what’s the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband.”

“Oh, everything went wrong: first he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

“All that might have been all right; but, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!”

—–

The amount of sleep required by an average person is “five more minutes.”

Humor #402

If College Students Wrote the Bible

* The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.

* The Ten Commandments would actually be only five; double spaced and written in large font.

* A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

* Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.

* Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s E-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

* Reason Cain killed Abel; they were roommates.

* Reason why Moses and followers walked the desert for 40 years; they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

* Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Humor #401

Alexa, Tell Me a Joke

Jokes from Amazon’s Alexa. Yes, these were the better ones.

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? She wanted to lay it on the line.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur’s table? Sir Cumference.

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

What do you call two men on the wall above the window? Kurt and Rod.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderpants.

I don’t trust people with graph paper. They’re always plotting something.

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm.

Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages? Because they had so many knights.

Why did the football coach shake the vending machine? Because he needed a quarterback.

How do you know if you are a pirate? You just arrrrr.

What did the Chihuahua think of her new bed? she thought it was a little rough.

Humor #400

A couple’s happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.

Eventually, the old girl passed away.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, “Darling, if I didn’t love you so much, I don’t think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.”

His wife looked at him aghast.

“My Aunt Emma!” she cried. “I thought she was ‘your’ Aunt Emma!”

—–

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim.

Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone. “We found the car less than a mile away,” he said, trying to restrain himself. “It had a note on it that read, ‘Thanks anyway, we’d rather walk.'”

—–

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country’s greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.

“Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted.”

“Oh my, “the grandmother says. “He and I must have the same landlord.”

—–

During their 50th anniversary wedding celebration at a banquet in their honor, my Dad was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long.

My father stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and….” he paused.

“And?” someone cried out from the back of the room.

“…and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single!” my father exclaimed.

The room erupted in laughter.

—–

I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.

Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, “That’s a nice round figure.”

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, “You’re no bean pole yourself.”

—–

A large truck was tailing my son as he drove through town with a female classmate. The truck matched them turn for turn, down every street.

My son’s concern grew to alarm when the menacing-looking driver pulled next to him at a light, leaned out his window, and glared into his car. After a long, hard stare, the man grinned and called to my son, “Sorry, kid, I thought that was my daughter.”

—–

Sherlock Holmes’s sister, Ella, was a bit confused–not that she suffered from dementia or anything–she simply was a bit “blonde.” She was always getting her two twins confused, even though they were fraternal, not identical, and everyone else could easily tell Patricia from Theresa.

One day Sherlock’s sister invited the great detective and his assistant to a piano recital that Patsy was to give the following evening. When she left, Sherlock’s assistant said, rather bewilderedly, to Sherlock, “I didn’t know Patsy was studying the piano.” To which Holmes replied,

“Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson.”

—–

Old Jacob Johnson, raging hypochondriac, was convinced that the pain on his left side was appendicitis. Mrs Johnson explained that the appendix is on the right.

“So, aha! THAT’s why it hurts to much,” said Jacob. “My appendix is on the wrong side!”

Happy Valentines Day

As Your share greetings with loved ones today remember that You are loved by God.
 
• But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved…. (Ephesians 2:4-5)
 
• For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)
 
• See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. (1 John 3:1)
 
• I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you. (Jeremiah 31:3)
 
• In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
(1 John 4:10)
 
• But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
 
• For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)
 
And there are so much more for you in God’s Word, the Bible.

Humor #399

I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.

“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.

“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.”

—–

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before. “What do I do if she’s really unattractive?” says Mike. “I’ll be stuck with her all evening.”

“Don’t worry,” Joe says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t just shout ‘Aaaaaauuuggghhh!’ and fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl’s door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

“Aaaaaauuuggghhh!”

—–

England’s West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting-looking books. So she went inside.

A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, “Can I help you?”

“No, just browsing,” said my friend.

“Fine,” came the reply. “But so you know, around here most people knock before entering someone’s home.”

—–

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punchy 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. “What’s the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?” he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.”

Jenkins was baffled. “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

—–

Following a major hurricane, my husband worked long hours clearing the jumble of trees that littered our property. The longer he worked, however, the more painful it became for him to move his right arm. He ignore my pleas to see the doctor until one night he yelped, “Ow! This is getting serious.”

As I turned to him in concern, he added, “Now it hurts to push buttons on the remote control!”

—–

My wife and I have several accounts at a bank where I went to deposit a sizable check.

When I entered, I noticed that streamers and balloons filled the lobby. I didn’t stop to see what the celebration was about.

At the counter, the teller said a hold would be placed on my check because there wasn’t enough money in my account to cover it. I argued that with all my accounts combined, where were more than enough funds.

The teller went to speak with the manager. She returned, with a sour face, and curtly informed me she would go ahead and credit the check to my account. As I left, I asked her, “By the way, why is the bank decorated?”

Under her breath she said, “It’s customer appreciation day.”

—–

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

“My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Tommy,” replied the second.

“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.

Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Billy.

“No, just the regular kind,” replied Tommy.

—–

When my son was about 4 years old, we were driving down the road. I took a drink of my coffee, and the lid came off and spilled all over me. I mumbled a little bit, and pulled over to wipe up the mess.

My son rolled his eyes, shook his finger at me and said, “That is exactly why you are NOT supposed to drink and drive!”

Humor #398

Going Back, Progress

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when…

* Decisions were made by going “Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”

* Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “Do over!”

* “Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

* Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in “Monopoly.”

* Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

* It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best” friends.

* Being old referred to anyone over 20.

* The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

* It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb.

* It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn’t an Olympic event.

* Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

Humor #397

Snarky Quotes

You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs. (Richard Doty, Washington)

Never say die. I’ve tried, and it doesn’t actually make people die. (Tom McCudden, Durham, N.C.)

Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your ability. (Donna Lewis, Vienna)

Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

You have to learn to crawl before you can grovel. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you’re probably the executioner. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Every dog has his day. Of course, his day consists of smelling other dogs’ bottoms. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington)

You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. But he probably isn’t going to be interested in some frog-kisser. (Amanda Richards, Palatine, Ill.)

Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman. (Bird Waring, New York)

A high tide lifts all boats, except those with a big gaping hole in the bottom.

There are none so blind as those who have been in an accident at a fertilizer factory. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

You can run but you can’t hide, except apparently along the Afghan-Pakistani border. (Bob Wallace, Reston)

Say not that honor is the child of boldness, nor believe that the hazard of life alone can pay the price of it; it is not the action that is due, but to the manner of performing it. You got all that? Me neither. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Every failure is a step to success up a ladder that will eventually collapse under the weight of all those failures. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Humor #396

Puns

It started to rain and Noah said, “Now I herd everything.” (The International Save the Pun Foundation)

The moonshiner artist excelled at “still” life. (Jumble)

A drunk was hanging on to a lamp post for support when an old lady walked by and asked, “Why don’t you take a bus home?” The drunk replied, “My wife would never let me keep it!” (Carl Franklin)

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it. (Myrrdins)

Most weight lifters are biceptual. (Norm Gilbert)

A famous math professor picked up the phone, trying to dial for pizza, and heard: “The number you have just dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try your call again.” (John Nunley)

—–

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???”

“Not a bit,” the husband replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

—–

Funny Book Authors

“Home Maintenance”….by Duane Pipe

“Growing up in the Balkans”…..by Hugo Slavia

“Irish Winter Tales”…..by Pete Moss

“Increase Your Brain Power”….by Sarah Bellum

“Looking Into the Wishing Well”….by Eileen Dover

“How to Write a Mystery Novel”….by Page Turner

“Winning Big”…..by Jack Potts

“Vacation Spot in the Tropics”….by Sandy Beech

“I Always Enjoy the Darkness”….by Gladys Knight

—–

A client called to report an accident and asked if her insurance rates would go up.

“Our underwriting department determines that,” I replied. Then I asked for her license plate number. Verifying her information, I said, “NMF? Is that ‘N’ as in Nancy, ‘M’ as in Mary, and ‘F’ as in Frank?”

“Well … yes,” she said. “But could you please tell your underwriters that it’s also ‘N’ as in Not, ‘M’ as in My, and ‘F’ as in Fault?”

—–

After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn’t start because it was out of gas.

A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn’t open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger’s gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station. “You know,” the attendant suggested helpfully, “instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here.”

—–

A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter’s room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.

“What are you doing?” he asked her.

She explained, “I’m saying my prayers, but I couldn’t think of just what I wanted to say. So I’m just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best.”