Humor #396

Puns

It started to rain and Noah said, “Now I herd everything.” (The International Save the Pun Foundation)

The moonshiner artist excelled at “still” life. (Jumble)

A drunk was hanging on to a lamp post for support when an old lady walked by and asked, “Why don’t you take a bus home?” The drunk replied, “My wife would never let me keep it!” (Carl Franklin)

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it. (Myrrdins)

Most weight lifters are biceptual. (Norm Gilbert)

A famous math professor picked up the phone, trying to dial for pizza, and heard: “The number you have just dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try your call again.” (John Nunley)

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The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???”

“Not a bit,” the husband replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

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Funny Book Authors

“Home Maintenance”….by Duane Pipe

“Growing up in the Balkans”…..by Hugo Slavia

“Irish Winter Tales”…..by Pete Moss

“Increase Your Brain Power”….by Sarah Bellum

“Looking Into the Wishing Well”….by Eileen Dover

“How to Write a Mystery Novel”….by Page Turner

“Winning Big”…..by Jack Potts

“Vacation Spot in the Tropics”….by Sandy Beech

“I Always Enjoy the Darkness”….by Gladys Knight

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A client called to report an accident and asked if her insurance rates would go up.

“Our underwriting department determines that,” I replied. Then I asked for her license plate number. Verifying her information, I said, “NMF? Is that ‘N’ as in Nancy, ‘M’ as in Mary, and ‘F’ as in Frank?”

“Well … yes,” she said. “But could you please tell your underwriters that it’s also ‘N’ as in Not, ‘M’ as in My, and ‘F’ as in Fault?”

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After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn’t start because it was out of gas.

A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn’t open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger’s gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station. “You know,” the attendant suggested helpfully, “instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here.”

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A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter’s room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.

“What are you doing?” he asked her.

She explained, “I’m saying my prayers, but I couldn’t think of just what I wanted to say. So I’m just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best.”

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