Humor #399

I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.

“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.

“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.”

—–

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before. “What do I do if she’s really unattractive?” says Mike. “I’ll be stuck with her all evening.”

“Don’t worry,” Joe says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t just shout ‘Aaaaaauuuggghhh!’ and fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl’s door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

“Aaaaaauuuggghhh!”

—–

England’s West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting-looking books. So she went inside.

A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, “Can I help you?”

“No, just browsing,” said my friend.

“Fine,” came the reply. “But so you know, around here most people knock before entering someone’s home.”

—–

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punchy 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. “What’s the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?” he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.”

Jenkins was baffled. “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

—–

Following a major hurricane, my husband worked long hours clearing the jumble of trees that littered our property. The longer he worked, however, the more painful it became for him to move his right arm. He ignore my pleas to see the doctor until one night he yelped, “Ow! This is getting serious.”

As I turned to him in concern, he added, “Now it hurts to push buttons on the remote control!”

—–

My wife and I have several accounts at a bank where I went to deposit a sizable check.

When I entered, I noticed that streamers and balloons filled the lobby. I didn’t stop to see what the celebration was about.

At the counter, the teller said a hold would be placed on my check because there wasn’t enough money in my account to cover it. I argued that with all my accounts combined, where were more than enough funds.

The teller went to speak with the manager. She returned, with a sour face, and curtly informed me she would go ahead and credit the check to my account. As I left, I asked her, “By the way, why is the bank decorated?”

Under her breath she said, “It’s customer appreciation day.”

—–

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

“My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Tommy,” replied the second.

“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.

Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Billy.

“No, just the regular kind,” replied Tommy.

—–

When my son was about 4 years old, we were driving down the road. I took a drink of my coffee, and the lid came off and spilled all over me. I mumbled a little bit, and pulled over to wipe up the mess.

My son rolled his eyes, shook his finger at me and said, “That is exactly why you are NOT supposed to drink and drive!”

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