Humor #410

Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming; I’ve just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.

—–

I gave all my dead batteries away today … free of charge.

—–

Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.

The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet every day, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.

Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, “Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!”

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The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological; one is Psycho and the other is Logical – and whatever you do, don’t try to figure out Who is Who.

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I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I ever get a lifeĀ I’ll be notified immediately

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To the guy who invented “zero” … Thanks for nothing!

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At a country-club party, a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when he seriously proposed marriage after only 30 minutes.

“Look,” she said, “we met only a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.”

“You’re wrong,” the young man declared. “For the past five years I’ve been working in the bank where your father has his account.”

—–

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains, who had been friends for years, would always cry, “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?”

The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of … an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”

—–

The speaker at my bank’s drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and we tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with our frustrated customers. One day a sweet elderly lady whom I would see every week pulled up to the window, leaned out of her car and smacked the glass in front of my face.

“Hope this is bulletproof,” she yelled. There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so I was touched by her concern.

“It is,” I yelled back.

“Good,” she continued, “because someone is going to shoot you if you don’t get that speaker fixed.”

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Humor #409

I’m not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.

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“You call this a musical?” asked Les miserably.

—–

I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 pm or so.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!! Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

—–

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”

The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”

The one dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.”

—–

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn’t make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, “Just bring them bread and water.”

One of the little boys looked up and quavered, “Can I have ketchup on it?”

—–

It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus.

Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place.

After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away.

“Wait!” I called. “We have to go inside and find out where you live.”

“I live right there,” he said, pointing to a house across the street. “I just always wanted to ride in a school bus.”

—–

I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.

I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.

At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely,

“Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”

—–

If Mom says “No,” ask Nana;

If Nana says “No,” … who are we kidding?? Nana never says “No!”

—–

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like.

She said, “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.

At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

Humor #408

Milkman Notes

These notes left for milkmen came from the UK, so you’ll notice a slight, endearing British ambianceĀ to them.

“Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.”

“Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.”

“Cancel one pint after the day after today.”

“Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it”

“Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.”

“Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.”

“Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.”

“Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.”

“Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.”

“When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.”

“Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?”

“My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.”

“Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me.”

“Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.”

“Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.”

“From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”

“My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.”

“Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.”

“When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don’t leave any milk.”

“No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”

Humor #407

A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly.

One morning at breakfast she mentioned, “On Friday we’re having a quiz on the moon.”

Her little brother piped up: “Are you gonna let her go, Mom??”—–

—–

While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.

Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain’s calm response. “Well, son,” he said, “if this plane goes down, that chute is yours.”

—–

I am really bad at measuring pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti, come on over!

—–

“I hate being half bicycle – half motorcycle,” he moped.

—–

A woman was having a medical problem – her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her “suffering.”

“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.”

“Wow!” the woman exclaimed, “sounds like leasing a new sports car!”

“Humm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?”

—–

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small notebooks?”

“Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”

The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”

“Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”

The manager shrugs, “Sorry.”

“Hmmph. How about Chapstick?” says the woman.

“Nope. Don’t have that.”

“Well” the woman says, “If you don’t have anything, why don’t you close the store?”

The manager shrugs, “Can’t. Don’t have the key.”

—–

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people; we haven’t met yet.

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I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia!

—–

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he’d just escaped a tornado.

“What’s wrong?” a woman asked.

“I just lost a game to Houlihan,” the pro said.

“What? But Houlihan’s the worst player I’ve ever seen. How could he have beaten you?”

“He tricked me,” the pro said. “On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes – any handicap he wanted. He said, ‘Just give me two gotchas.'”

“What’s a gotcha?” asked the woman.

“That’s what I wanted to know,” the pro said. “Houlihan said, ‘You’ll see.’ Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a wedgie and screamed out ‘Gotcha!'”

“I can guess what happened,” the woman said.

“Sure,” the pro said. “That gotcha threw me off, and I missed the ball completely.”

“Understandable,” the woman said. “But still, that’s only one swing. How did he win the game?”

The pro answered, “I couldn’t swing well the rest of the game because I was watching out for that second ‘gotcha!'”

—–

Humor #406

Some Wacky Definitions

EGOCENTRIC: a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

MAGAZINE: bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS: police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA: when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET: a French word that means, “Get up and get it yourself.”

BABY-SITTER: a teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.

TRAFFIC LIGHT: apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

PIONEER: early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE: some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority have no idea what’s happened.

SWIMMING POOL: a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL: the ability to eat only one peanut.

TATTOO: permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Someone Else

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else. Someone’s passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person’s share of the work.

Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone’s list, “Let Someone Else do it.” Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; “Someone Else can work with that group.”

It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.

Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?

When you are asked to help in your local church this year, remember — they can’t depend on Someone Else anymore. Many hands make little work!

Prayer: Father let me be someone you can count on and not someone else. In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen!

Humor #405

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative’s wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, “Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?”

—–

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way.”

—–

I’m a police officer and occasionally park my cruiser in residential areas to watch for speeders. One Sunday morning I was staked out in a driveway when I saw a large dog trot up to my car.

He stopped and sat just out of arm’s reach. No matter how much I tried to coax him to come for a pat on the head, he refused to budge.

After a while, I decided to move to another location. I pulled out of the driveway, looked back, and learned the reason for the dog’s stubbornness. He quickly picked up the newspaper I’d been parked on and dutifully ran back to his master.

—–

Two atoms are sitting next to each other and one says, “I’ve lost an electron.”

The other asks, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” the first replies. “I’m positive.”

—–

A man and his blonde wife are relaxing at home when the phone rings. She answers and within a minute is sobbing. After she hangs up, her hubby gently holds her and asks what’s wrong.

She replies that her mother has died. He finally gets her calmed down and the phone rings again. She answers and starts crying again. She turns to her hubby and manages to choke out, ‘Honey, it’s my sister and you won’t believe this, but her mother died, too!’

—–

I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair permed, cut and styled.

Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay. “Good afternoon!” she said cheerfully. “And who’s your appointment with today?”

—–

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.”I’m so tough,” said the first boy, “that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week.”

“Well,” said the second little boy, “I’m so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day.”

“That’s nothing,” said the third boy. “When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in a hour!”

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