Humor #404

What’s the difference between a pun and a dad joke?

A pun can make you groan, but a dad joke goes even father!

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I’m not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance . . . .

she leaned over and pushed me.

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What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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“I have CDO; it’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order … as they should be.”

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Did you know, chocolate makes your clothes shrink!?

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I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist!

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No matter where you go, there you are.

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Beethoven got rid of his chickens, because the only thing they ever said was,

“Bach, Bach, Bach!”

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I don’t go to the gym; I like for things to work themselves out.

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My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie’s house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

“But, Mom,” he said, brightening, “you don’t have to worry about buying another one. Charlie’s mother said it was irreplaceable.”—–

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A Kansas tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.

Suddenly the wife began to cry. “Don’t be scared, Mary,” her husband said. “We’re not hurt.”

Mary continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she responded between sobs. “I’m happy ’cause this is the first time in 14 years we’ve been out together.”

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A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt and was named “Amal.” The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him “Juan.”

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responded, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

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