Humor #405

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative’s wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, “Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?”

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A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way.”

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I’m a police officer and occasionally park my cruiser in residential areas to watch for speeders. One Sunday morning I was staked out in a driveway when I saw a large dog trot up to my car.

He stopped and sat just out of arm’s reach. No matter how much I tried to coax him to come for a pat on the head, he refused to budge.

After a while, I decided to move to another location. I pulled out of the driveway, looked back, and learned the reason for the dog’s stubbornness. He quickly picked up the newspaper I’d been parked on and dutifully ran back to his master.

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Two atoms are sitting next to each other and one says, “I’ve lost an electron.”

The other asks, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” the first replies. “I’m positive.”

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A man and his blonde wife are relaxing at home when the phone rings. She answers and within a minute is sobbing. After she hangs up, her hubby gently holds her and asks what’s wrong.

She replies that her mother has died. He finally gets her calmed down and the phone rings again. She answers and starts crying again. She turns to her hubby and manages to choke out, ‘Honey, it’s my sister and you won’t believe this, but her mother died, too!’

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I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair permed, cut and styled.

Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay. “Good afternoon!” she said cheerfully. “And who’s your appointment with today?”

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Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.”I’m so tough,” said the first boy, “that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week.”

“Well,” said the second little boy, “I’m so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day.”

“That’s nothing,” said the third boy. “When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in a hour!”

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