A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly.
One morning at breakfast she mentioned, “On Friday we’re having a quiz on the moon.”
Her little brother piped up: “Are you gonna let her go, Mom??”—–
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain’s calm response. “Well, son,” he said, “if this plane goes down, that chute is yours.”
I am really bad at measuring pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti, come on over!
“I hate being half bicycle – half motorcycle,” he moped.
A woman was having a medical problem – her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her “suffering.”
“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.”
“Wow!” the woman exclaimed, “sounds like leasing a new sports car!”
“Humm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?”
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small notebooks?”
“Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”
The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”
“Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”
The manager shrugs, “Sorry.”
“Hmmph. How about Chapstick?” says the woman.
“Nope. Don’t have that.”
“Well” the woman says, “If you don’t have anything, why don’t you close the store?”
The manager shrugs, “Can’t. Don’t have the key.”
Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people; we haven’t met yet.
I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia!
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he’d just escaped a tornado.
“What’s wrong?” a woman asked.
“I just lost a game to Houlihan,” the pro said.
“What? But Houlihan’s the worst player I’ve ever seen. How could he have beaten you?”
“He tricked me,” the pro said. “On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes – any handicap he wanted. He said, ‘Just give me two gotchas.'”
“What’s a gotcha?” asked the woman.
“That’s what I wanted to know,” the pro said. “Houlihan said, ‘You’ll see.’ Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a wedgie and screamed out ‘Gotcha!'”
“I can guess what happened,” the woman said.
“Sure,” the pro said. “That gotcha threw me off, and I missed the ball completely.”
“Understandable,” the woman said. “But still, that’s only one swing. How did he win the game?”
The pro answered, “I couldn’t swing well the rest of the game because I was watching out for that second ‘gotcha!'”