Humor #410

Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming; I’ve just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.

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I gave all my dead batteries away today … free of charge.

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Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.

The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet every day, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.

Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, “Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!”

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The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological; one is Psycho and the other is Logical – and whatever you do, don’t try to figure out Who is Who.

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I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I’ll be notified immediately

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To the guy who invented “zero” … Thanks for nothing!

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At a country-club party, a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when he seriously proposed marriage after only 30 minutes.

“Look,” she said, “we met only a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.”

“You’re wrong,” the young man declared. “For the past five years I’ve been working in the bank where your father has his account.”

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Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains, who had been friends for years, would always cry, “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?”

The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of … an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”

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The speaker at my bank’s drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and we tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with our frustrated customers. One day a sweet elderly lady whom I would see every week pulled up to the window, leaned out of her car and smacked the glass in front of my face.

“Hope this is bulletproof,” she yelled. There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so I was touched by her concern.

“It is,” I yelled back.

“Good,” she continued, “because someone is going to shoot you if you don’t get that speaker fixed.”

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