Humor #418

The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!

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A guy and a girl are having a drink together. The man raises his glass and says, “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead!”

“What’s that mean?” asks the girl.

“That,” answers her date, “is an authentic Irish toast.”

“Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”

“Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What’s that?”

The girl says, “That’s French toast.”

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After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, “If you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!” It worked.

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From British Newspapers

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”

– The Daily Telegraph

2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.

– The Guardian

3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, “This sort of thing is all too common.”

– The Times

4) At the height of the gale, the harbormaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

– Aberdeen Evening Express

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Humor #417

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. “What’s going on?” she yells out the window. “Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”

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A man who worked the help desk for a large company received a call one day from a co-worker who called him because she couldn’t figure out why her computer wouldn’t come on.

So he asked her, “Did you plug it in?”

“Yes.”

He then asked her, “Did you turn in on?”

She said, “Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of goober?”

So, he went to her cubicle to take a look at her computer.

She was perplexed.  “See? I plugged the computer into the surge protector.”

The guy goes, “Yea, but you plugged the surge protector into itself.”

 

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They say you’re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you’re hungry; it’s been several days now … what should I do?

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Whiteboards … they’re remarkable.

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More Notes Found On Hospital Charts

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. {This probably was not far from the truth!! Those gowns are probably put under the classification of ‘x-rated!!!!}

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial–it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer–do you have a locker room in the police station–a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

Humor #416

Whoever invented “knock, knock” jokes should get a no-bell prize.

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A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.

The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said, “Sisters, I don’t think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!”

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A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker’s three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, “I just want to see how you drink like a fish!”

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I just wish pictures and mirrors could agree on what I actually look like.

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Eating and Drinking

(a) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(b) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(c) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(d) The Italians drink lots of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.

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An Eskimo got so cold while paddling his kayak that he built a fire to warm himself up. Naturally, the kayak sank, and he had to swim to shore in the icy waters.

This only goes to show that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

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A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didn’t seem happy.

“What’s wrong?” the friend asked. “You just became a millionaire!”

“I know,” he groaned, “But I can’t imagine why I bought that second ticket!”

 

Humor #415

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, Sir.” the new recruit replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

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Often when one door closes and another door opens … you’re in prison.

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Being a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Ummm, yeah… so,” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Ever catch ALL the fish?”

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Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

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You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right?

Yes . . .  Why?

It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law?

No . . . .

It’s thinly sliced cabbage

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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”

The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.”

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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

“What is it made of?” she asked.

“Alligator’s teeth,” the Indian replied.

“I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.”

“Oh no,” he objected. “Anybody can open an oyster.”

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Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Do one thing every day that scares you;” and that’s why I weigh myself in the mornings.

Humor #414

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘ The’   and ‘ IRS ‘ together it spells   ‘Theirs…’

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A giraffe’s coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself!

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Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they’d be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they’d driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read, “Clean Restrooms Ahead.”

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

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Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

“My dear,” said the first woman “Are those real pearls?”

“They are,” replied the second woman.

“Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,” smiled the first woman.

The second responded “Yes, but for that you would need real teeth.”

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Pollack, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, an Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Croat, and a Panamanian go to a fancy bar…

The bouncer says: “Sorry. I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

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I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?”

I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.”  She didn’t quite know how to respond.

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The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..

Humor #413

SENIOR HUMOR

Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it ‘Pumping Rust.’

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.   I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have   gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

A Thought For Today

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.

Difficult moments, seek God.

Quiet moments, worship God.

Painful moments, trust God.

Every moment, thank God.

Humor #412

Auto-correct can be so flippant annotating.

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A guy took his girlfriend to a football game for the first time.

After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

Oh, I really liked it,” she said, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.”

“What on earth do you mean???”

“Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was, “Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!”

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When my friends told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

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I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully, then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair.

At the shop I proudly recited, “The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves.”

As I smugly glanced over the mechanic’s shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, “Lady says it makes a funny noise.”

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker.

“Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?” the guy asks.

“Yep, real as can be.” the bartender replies.

“Well is he any good?” the guy asks.

“Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail.”

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An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.

Disappointed, the man remarked, “I don’t know. We’ve been sharing the same bed for 44 years.”

“Could you possibly put them close together?” the wife asked.

Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, “How romantic.”

Then the woman finished her request with, “Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him.”

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When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”

A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”

Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”

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Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons.

When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. “I will tell you why. I’ve learned that’s the only time of the week when none of you wants to argue with me.”

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An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier.

“Listen”, the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”

“Sorry,” apologized the garage owner.

“I didn’t think your car would last longer than that.”

Humor #411

Bumper Stickers

It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

It’s as bad as you think and they are out to get you.

I is a college student.

The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

No radio. Already stolen.

I don’t care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.

So many pedestrians, so little time.

Honk if you’re illiterate

If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

Car will explode upon impact

CAUTION : Driver Singing