The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!
A guy and a girl are having a drink together. The man raises his glass and says, “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead!”
“What’s that mean?” asks the girl.
“That,” answers her date, “is an authentic Irish toast.”
“Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”
“Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What’s that?”
The girl says, “That’s French toast.”
After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, “If you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!” It worked.
From British Newspapers
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”
– The Daily Telegraph
2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.
– The Guardian
3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, “This sort of thing is all too common.”
– The Times
4) At the height of the gale, the harbormaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
– Aberdeen Evening Express