Humor #412

Auto-correct can be so flippant annotating.

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A guy took his girlfriend to a football game for the first time.

After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

Oh, I really liked it,” she said, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.”

“What on earth do you mean???”

“Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was, “Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!”

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When my friends told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

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I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully, then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair.

At the shop I proudly recited, “The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves.”

As I smugly glanced over the mechanic’s shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, “Lady says it makes a funny noise.”

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker.

“Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?” the guy asks.

“Yep, real as can be.” the bartender replies.

“Well is he any good?” the guy asks.

“Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail.”

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An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.

Disappointed, the man remarked, “I don’t know. We’ve been sharing the same bed for 44 years.”

“Could you possibly put them close together?” the wife asked.

Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, “How romantic.”

Then the woman finished her request with, “Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him.”

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When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”

A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”

Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”

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Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons.

When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. “I will tell you why. I’ve learned that’s the only time of the week when none of you wants to argue with me.”

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An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier.

“Listen”, the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”

“Sorry,” apologized the garage owner.

“I didn’t think your car would last longer than that.”

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