Humor #415

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, Sir.” the new recruit replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

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Often when one door closes and another door opens … you’re in prison.

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Being a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Ummm, yeah… so,” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Ever catch ALL the fish?”

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Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

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You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right?

Yes . . .  Why?

It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law?

No . . . .

It’s thinly sliced cabbage

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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”

The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.”

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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

“What is it made of?” she asked.

“Alligator’s teeth,” the Indian replied.

“I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.”

“Oh no,” he objected. “Anybody can open an oyster.”

—–

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Do one thing every day that scares you;” and that’s why I weigh myself in the mornings.

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