Whoever invented “knock, knock” jokes should get a no-bell prize.
A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.
The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said, “Sisters, I don’t think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!”
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.
All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker’s three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, “I just want to see how you drink like a fish!”
I just wish pictures and mirrors could agree on what I actually look like.
Eating and Drinking
(a) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(b) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(c) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(d) The Italians drink lots of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.
An Eskimo got so cold while paddling his kayak that he built a fire to warm himself up. Naturally, the kayak sank, and he had to swim to shore in the icy waters.
This only goes to show that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didn’t seem happy.
“What’s wrong?” the friend asked. “You just became a millionaire!”
“I know,” he groaned, “But I can’t imagine why I bought that second ticket!”