Humor #420

Deep thoughts of the day: when you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

—–

Bert: “Say, Ernie, would you like some ice-cream?”

Ernie: “Sherbert.”

—–

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: “We have a critical shortage of typists. I’ll give you a little test. Type this,” he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

“That’s fine,” he said; “Report for work at 8 tomorrow.”

“But aren’t you going to check the test?” the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. “You passed the test,” he replied, “when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.”

—–

It was halfway through the school year and the principal was lecturing the teachers during a faculty meeting. He presented a painful list of all their failures, flaws and shortcomings. The list of transgressions seemed endless. Then he announced that the science club was sponsoring a blood drive, and that, to promote faculty involvement, he would donate the first pint of blood.

An anxious voice from the rear of the room asked, “Whose?”

—–

Miss Smith and Little Johnny’s father were having a parent teacher conference.

Miss Smith said to Little Johnny’s father, “Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.”

Little Johnny’s father asked, “What’s that?”

“With grades like these, he couldn’t possibly be cheating.”

—–

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

A 75-year-old man in the back row stood up and shouted, “Wedding cake.”

—–

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

“What are they doing?” I asked our tour guide.

“Each year,” he replied with a grin, “The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this courtyard.”

“So what’s the answer?” my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied simply, “One.”

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