Humor #424

PUNS & OTHER HUMOR

The doctor fell in the well and broke his collarbone. Which proves that doctors should tend the sick and leave the well alone.

They arrested the barber for running a clip joint.

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest celebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to sing louder and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing that the Sheriff’s men might hear the band celebrate, dragged the friar into the woods and threw him in the river, but Tuck climbed out without missing a note. The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water, but you cannot make him hoarse.

When the Post Office delivers only some of your packages, the service they have just provided is Partial post

When a snail loses it’s shell it looks sluggish.

—–

A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!”

The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

—–

 

Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors. His dad was surprised when Johnny’s mom suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

“Do you really believe that’ll help improve his behavior ?” he said.

“Well, no,” she admitted, “But it will spread it over a wider area.”

—–

Bob was on vacation, visiting a Las Vegas casino for the first time.

He decided to play the slots. Since he wasn’t sure how to play a slot machine, he called an attendant over.

“Excuse me,” Bob said. “How does this work?”

The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin button and pull the handle.

“And where does the money come out?” Bob asked.

The casino employee smiled and pointed to a far wall. “The ATM is over there.”

—–

It was a hectic day of running errands with my wife and son.

As if the stress weren’t enough, four-year-old Christopher insisted on asking questions about everything, told me how to drive better, and sang every song he knew.

Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an offer: “Christopher, if you’ll be quiet for just a few minutes, I’ll give you a quarter.” It worked.

But when we stopped for lunch, I unknowingly began to harp on him. “Christopher, sit up straight … don’t spill your drink … don’t talk with your mouth full.”

Finally he said seriously, “Dad, if you’ll be quiet for just a few minutes, I’ll give you a quarter.”

——

In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.

Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.

I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, “I’m sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!”

 

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