Humor #434

Define “Principal”: The king’s son’s friend

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Use “Aorta” in a sentence: AORTA cut the grass down by the ball field so the kids don’t get hurt. (Jeff Foxworthy)

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“I’ll use my stopwatch to see how fast it moves,” said Tom, seconding the motion.

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Headline: POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

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4 out of 3 people struggle with math.

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Forbidden fruits create many jams.

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I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated “Picture Menu Available”.

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn’t read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, “Well, it says so on the sign, doesn’t it?”

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RIDDLES

Why can’t you gain weight by eating pretzels?
Because its knot food.

What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!

Why did the kid put his head on the piano?
Because he wanted to play by ear.

How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Hold its nose.

What do snakes put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles!

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Humor #433

PLACES I’VE BEEN AND HAVEN’T BEEN

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing.

Humor #432

INTERVIEW EXCERPTS

The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:

1. “Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
2. “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
3. “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
4. “Applicant asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”
5. “Applicant announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.”
6. “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”
7. “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
8. “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”
9. “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”
10. “Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”
11. “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
12. “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

Humor #431

Two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east toward Georgia on I-90

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, “Sarge, why’d you stop?”

“You dumb rookie,” replied the sarge. “He’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”

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While putting my 4-year-old daughter to bed one evening, I read her the story of the Prodigal Son. We discussed how the young son had taken his inheritance and left home, living it up until he had nothing left. Finally, when he couldn’t even eat as well as pigs, he went home to his father, who welcomed him.

When we finished the story, I asked my daughter what she had learned. After thinking a moment, she quipped, “Never leave home without your credit card!”

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“I am going to KILL the person who told me the new iPhone could be used as a bathroom scale!”
– @jimmykimmel

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A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”

“Congratulations for what?” asks the lawyer.

“Congratulations for what?!?” says Saint Peter. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”

“But that’s not true,” says the lawyer. “I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”

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When our daughter was born, our young son was upset because he wasn’t able to help feed her. My husband told him he could watch Mommy so he would understand why only I could feed Elisa. At the hospital he stood and watched me nurse her. Afterwards he leaned over and asked me seriously, “How long do you have to wear those?”

“Wear what?” I responded.

“Those things you feed the baby with.”

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One day, my friend’s daughter, Britney, came up to her and said, “Mom, I know that Jesus lives inside my heart. But how do I tell him I love him? Do you think if I write ‘I love you’ on a piece of paper and eat it, he’ll get the note?”

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Tiring of the same old buzz haircut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut.

The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from.

“Trinidad,” I said.

“Is that in Arabia?”

“The Caribbean.”

She laughed, “Sorry, I never was very good at geometry.”

Humor #430

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work

~ I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I’m startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

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Humor #429

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day.

Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck’s bed. They’ll pay in food, which is exactly what I like best! For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of Middle Eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That’s right: A pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. ‘Is it true,’ she wanted to know, ‘that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? ”Yes, I’m afraid so,’ the doctor told her

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, ‘I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.’

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Three mothers are sitting on a park bench talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother.”

Minnie says,”You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”

Shirley says “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”

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A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: “This bill is one year old.”

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: “Happy Birthday.”

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This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seat airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: “May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: “The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.”

She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I’m in the front seat.”

“O.K.” says the voice from the tower. “Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven. . . ..”

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A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

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My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store.

Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on.

Getting annoyed, he scolded, “Madison! Stop that!”

“But, Daddy,” she replied, “I’m just trying to get my gum back.”

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Humor #428

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”

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Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt’s name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale.

“I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse.

Without a moment’s hesitation, my aunt replied, “One hour and 45 minutes!”

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An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!’ she cried. The dispatcher said, ‘Stay calm. An officer is on the way.’

 A few minutes later, the officer radios in ‘Disregard.’ He says. ‘She got in the back-seat by mistake.’

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I have never liked thunderstorms. A few weeks ago, as I sat at my kitchen table during a particularly noisy storm, I started to pray in an effort to comfort myself. As lightning and thunder split the night sky on all sides, my prayer unwittingly began, “Dear LOUD Jesus …”

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Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’ The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?’ The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to hersisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood…’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’

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For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) that don’t want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

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Bumper Stickers

If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

Forget World Peace — Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Where There’s A Will…I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

I Haven’t Lost My Mind – It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

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Humor #427

Explanations of Instructions

What it says: “Batteries not included”
What it means: “Batteries do not come with this product, and you’re going to have to buy them yourself. Moreover, it uses unique batteries that you won’t find anywhere but a specialty store, where you’ll pay twice as much for them.”

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What it says: “Some restrictions apply”
What it means: “Somehow, some way, we’ll find a way to exclude you.”

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What it says: “May cause drowsiness”
What it means: “Expect a sudden bout with narcolepsy while you’re driving to work.”

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What it says: “Some assembly required”
What it means: “Take the day off and borrow your neighbor’s 2,000-piece tool kit. Don’t make any other plans for the day.”

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