Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt’s name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale.
“I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse.
Without a moment’s hesitation, my aunt replied, “One hour and 45 minutes!”
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!’ she cried. The dispatcher said, ‘Stay calm. An officer is on the way.’
A few minutes later, the officer radios in ‘Disregard.’ He says. ‘She got in the back-seat by mistake.’
I have never liked thunderstorms. A few weeks ago, as I sat at my kitchen table during a particularly noisy storm, I started to pray in an effort to comfort myself. As lightning and thunder split the night sky on all sides, my prayer unwittingly began, “Dear LOUD Jesus …”
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’ The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?’ The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to hersisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood…’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’
For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) that don’t want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You
Forget World Peace — Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Where There’s A Will…I Want To Be In It!
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
I Haven’t Lost My Mind – It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere