Humor #429

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day.

Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck’s bed. They’ll pay in food, which is exactly what I like best! For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of Middle Eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That’s right: A pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. ‘Is it true,’ she wanted to know, ‘that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? ”Yes, I’m afraid so,’ the doctor told her

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, ‘I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.’

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Three mothers are sitting on a park bench talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother.”

Minnie says,”You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”

Shirley says “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”

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A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: “This bill is one year old.”

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: “Happy Birthday.”

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This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seat airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: “May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: “The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.”

She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I’m in the front seat.”

“O.K.” says the voice from the tower. “Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven. . . ..”

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A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

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My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store.

Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on.

Getting annoyed, he scolded, “Madison! Stop that!”

“But, Daddy,” she replied, “I’m just trying to get my gum back.”

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