Humor #431

Two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east toward Georgia on I-90

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, “Sarge, why’d you stop?”

“You dumb rookie,” replied the sarge. “He’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”

—–

While putting my 4-year-old daughter to bed one evening, I read her the story of the Prodigal Son. We discussed how the young son had taken his inheritance and left home, living it up until he had nothing left. Finally, when he couldn’t even eat as well as pigs, he went home to his father, who welcomed him.

When we finished the story, I asked my daughter what she had learned. After thinking a moment, she quipped, “Never leave home without your credit card!”

—–

“I am going to KILL the person who told me the new iPhone could be used as a bathroom scale!”
– @jimmykimmel

—–

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”

“Congratulations for what?” asks the lawyer.

“Congratulations for what?!?” says Saint Peter. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”

“But that’s not true,” says the lawyer. “I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”

—–

When our daughter was born, our young son was upset because he wasn’t able to help feed her. My husband told him he could watch Mommy so he would understand why only I could feed Elisa. At the hospital he stood and watched me nurse her. Afterwards he leaned over and asked me seriously, “How long do you have to wear those?”

“Wear what?” I responded.

“Those things you feed the baby with.”

—–

One day, my friend’s daughter, Britney, came up to her and said, “Mom, I know that Jesus lives inside my heart. But how do I tell him I love him? Do you think if I write ‘I love you’ on a piece of paper and eat it, he’ll get the note?”

—–

Tiring of the same old buzz haircut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut.

The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from.

“Trinidad,” I said.

“Is that in Arabia?”

“The Caribbean.”

She laughed, “Sorry, I never was very good at geometry.”

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