Humor #440

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: “I am perfectly well.”

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel…collect…on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

“This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”

—–

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work. “Did you read the paper?” he asked. “I’m not going in to work tomorrow. I’m calling in fat.”

—–

A class was taken on a fishing boat for a field trip, and the teacher, in an attempt to lessen fears of big fish, stated, “There are no fish big enough to swallow people.”

“But how about the fish that swallowed Jonah I learned about in Sunday school?” asked one little boy.

“You can’t believe everything you’re told,” responded the teacher.

“I’ll ask Jonah when I get to heaven,” he replied.

“What if Jonah didn’t go to heaven?” prodded his teacher.

“Then you ask him,” was the reply.

—–

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell convenience, so I made it risk.”

—–

During a road trip, I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a sign on the wall advising: “Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two.”

—–

I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts.

After visiting several homes, she commented on the different styles of doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled. We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound like.

At the precise moment she touched the doorbell at one house, the church tower began to chime. She wheeled around with a look of amazement on her face. “Now that’s a doorbell!”

 

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