Humor #449

A blond goes out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blond on the opposite bank.

“Yoo-hoo” she shouts, “how can I get to the other side?”

The second blond looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, “You are already on the other side.”

—–

“Grandpa, I’m really proud of you,” said the modish young lady.

“What’s to be proud of?” asked the old man.

The young lady replied, “I noticed that when you sneeze, you’ve learned to put your hand in front of your mouth.”

“Of course,” explained Grandpa.

“How else can I catch my teeth???”

—–

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?”

The first man angrily gave the card back, and made it clear that, no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.

The first man whacked the ball onto the green & left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put his ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to, a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

¬†—–

¬†Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and she didn’t mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:

“A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry,” she told him.

“Really?” asked the boyfriend. “And just how many men are you planning to marry?”

 

 

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Humor #448

A blonde told her friend, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.”

—–

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, ‘Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?’

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, ‘You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.’

—–

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

“For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn’t you at all – $125.”

—–

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he complained, “I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?”

The man said, “No problem.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.

The speaker tried them on. “Too loose,” he said. The man then said, “I have another pair — try these.”

The speaker tried them on and responded, “Too tight.” The man was not taken back at all.

He said, “I have one more pair. Try them.”

The speaker said, “They fit perfectly.” With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him. “I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”

The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I’m an undertaker.”

—–

 

Humor #447

The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:

  1. “Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
  2. “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
  3. “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
  4. “Applicant asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”
  5. “Applicant announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.”
  6. “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”
  7. “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
  8. “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”
  9. “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”
  10. “Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”
  11. “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
  12. “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

13. “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?” I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any farther.”

Humor #446

A couple of goobers in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.

One of them walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

“All right. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, he returned to the office and said,

“A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

—–

USEFUL WORK CULTURE TIPS

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.

People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria.

People with a newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom.

Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

—–

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked, “To draw out all his savings?”

—–

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, “You’re in luck — two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker.”

The man quickly responds, “The attorney’s.”

The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”

The man says, “I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney’s heart!”

Humor #445

PHRASES OF WISDOM

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world

Humor #444

If an engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture!
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention!
If an explorer makes a mistake,
It’s a new discovery!
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident!
If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law!
If a professor makes a mistake,
It is a new theory!
If a hairstylist makes a mistake,
It’s a new style!
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion!
If parents make a mistake,
It is a new generation!
If the boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake!
If an employee makes a mistake,
Now, *that* is a “MISTAKE!”

Humor #443

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained.
“He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.”
“He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”
—–
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, “You have a cute baby.”
Smiling, I said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” he replied, “just to those whose babies are really good-looking.”
“So what do you say to the others?” I asked.
“He looks just like you.”
—–
Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.
When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.
The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.
“Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?” Johnny’s mother asked.
“I couldn’t find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter,” he replied.
His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: “Don’t get excited, Ma, I used the old one!”
—–
A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still-shaking driver said, “I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.”
The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.
The driver replied, “Will the saints in Heaven forgive me — it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”