A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained.
“He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.”
“He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, “You have a cute baby.”
Smiling, I said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” he replied, “just to those whose babies are really good-looking.”
“So what do you say to the others?” I asked.
“He looks just like you.”
Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.
When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.
The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.
“Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?” Johnny’s mother asked.
“I couldn’t find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter,” he replied.
His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: “Don’t get excited, Ma, I used the old one!”
A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still-shaking driver said, “I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.”
The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.
The driver replied, “Will the saints in Heaven forgive me — it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”