Humor #465

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?”

“No!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?”

Again the answer was “No!”

“Well”, she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

¬†—–

The fellow stormed into the postmaster’s office in a fury. “I’ve been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped.”

“Of course,” said the postmaster. “Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who’s sending them?”

“Yes,” shouted the man. “It’s those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service.”

—–

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection – a baseball bat – to the cash register.

“Cash or charge?” the clerk asked.

“Cash,” I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, “I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau.”

“Shall I giftwrap the bat?” the clerk asked sweetly. “Or are you going back there?”

¬†—–

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

“You know, honey,” I said sweetly, “Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.”

“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”

—–

¬†Instructor: “Isn’t it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?”

Parent: “Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to running the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner.”