Humor #473

I have never liked thunderstorms. A few weeks ago, as I sat at my kitchen table during a particularly noisy storm, I started to pray in an effort to comfort myself. As lightning and thunder split the night sky on all sides, my prayer unwittingly began, “Dear LOUD Jesus …”

—–

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.

She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

—–

 I’ve sure gotten old!

I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

 But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license!

—–

Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner.

Shirley says, “Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?”

Abe says, “Do I care?”

A few minutes later Shirley says, “Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?”

Abe says, “Who cares?”

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, “Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?”

Abe says, “Shirley, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t get moving, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special.”

—–

“Hello, hello?” shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. “Is this the SPCA?”

“Yes.”

“I want you to send somebody over right away.”

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree teasing my dog.”

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Humor #472

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.

“Well … they feel a bit tight.” replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

“Try pulling out on the tongue.” offers the clerk.

“Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.” He says.

—–

This police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time so after driving next to her for a while he yells to her, “PULLOVER”. She replies, “No a pair of socks”.

—–

 

“So, what’s the matter?” asked one woman of her friend over coffee.  “I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband.”

“Oh, everything went wrong,” the second woman answered.

“First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

“All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!”

—–

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

“Can you tell me how much you charge?” asked the client.

“Of course,” the lawyer replied. “I charge $200 to answer three questions.”

“Well, that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is,” said the lawyer. “And what’s your third question?”

——-

While leaving our small-town carnival, our sons, ages six and two, were walking hand-in-hand behind my husband and me. We overheard Tyler tell his younger brother, Cory, “This is what heaven is like—except it’s free!”

—–

Humor #471

‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn’t sleep

I tried counting backwards. l tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned – the dark meat and white.

But l fought the temptation with all of my might

Tossing and turning with anticipation

The thought of a snack became infatuation.

So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door

And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,

Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,

‘Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky

With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.

But, I managed to yell as I soared past the Trees_,__

Happy eating to all – pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty, may Your turkey be plump.

May your potatoes ’n’ gravy have nary a lump,

May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the Prize

May your thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

May your thanksgiving be blessed!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Humor #470

Immortality Jokes: They never get old!

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During the summer lull between graduate school studies I outlined my sermons for the coming fall. At the end of August I submitted the sermon titles for each week until Christmas to the local newspaper.

At the beginning of September, the church school superintendent requested that I recognize and install the teachers during a Sunday morning worship service. I agreed to do this, but warned him that I had already outlined my sermons for the next few months and at this late date I did not have the time to prepare a special Christian Education Sunday sermon. He affirmed that this was unnecessary and so I sent notice of the installation service to the local newspaper.

A few days before Christian Education Sunday the newspaper reported: “This coming Sunday, the Sunday school teachers of the Oxford Church will be recognized and installed. Reverend Eversull’s special sermon for this occasion is entitled, “Father Forgive Them for They Know Not What They Do!”

—–

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

Lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?”

Witness: “Yes, sir.”

Lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”

Witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one-quarter inches.”

Lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”

Witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”

—–

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well

“Yes! Of course! My pop taught me…even more than 10”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answers the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your erm…dad did a good job. Now…so what comes after…lets say ten?”

“A jack”

—–

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.  It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

—–

 

My grade school daughter, Emily, fidgeted nonstop during our new pastor’s first sermon. After 20 minutes of sighing and wiggling, she turned to me and whispered, “Mom, does this guy get paid to do this?” I smiled and nodded my head.

Ten more minutes passed and his sermon still wasn’t close to conclusion. Again, Emily tugged at my arm and in a low voice said, “How much?”

——

 

Humor #469

A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.

The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”

 —–

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

 The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”

 The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”

 —–

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen.

 “Well now, where’s my bucket and where’s my water?” Gramma asked him.

 “I can’t get any water from that water hole, Gramma” exclaimed Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”

“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Gramma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

—–

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back to Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”

—–

My 3-year-old son, Ian, enjoys the Bible story about Samuel hearing God’s voice at night. One evening after reading the story to Ian, I asked him if God had ever spoken to him.

To my surprise, he answered, “Yes.”

“What did God say to you?” I asked.

Ian thought and then said in his deepest voice, “Ian! Go to bed!”

That explained why Ian settles down more quickly when I’m outside his room and tell him to go to bed.

Humor #468

 When I worked as a medical intern in a local hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent.

It took me some time to understand that he had no insurance coverage.

One thing he had made clear was that he was a World War II veteran, so I had him transported to the Veteran’s Administration hospital, where he’d be eligible for benefits.

The next day my patient was back, with a note from the VA: “Right war, wrong side.”

—–

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years.

One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.

The manager says no.

The bagger says, “But I’ve been working here for five years. Why can’t I run the juice machines?”

The manager answers, “I’m sorry, son, but baggers can’t be juicers.”

 —–

 Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

 —–

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothing’, so what are you going to do?”

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43.”

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, “This is gross!” he yells.

I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith,” says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he starts, “I can’t remember!”

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43…”

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

Humor #467

 There are only three kinds of people: Those who are good in math and those who are not.

 —–

What do atheist’s do when stuck behind cars stopped at green lights with bumper stickers that say, “Honk if you love Jesus.”

—–

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?

“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

 —–

 A physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

 Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!

 Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

—–

The census taker knocked on the lady’s door. She answered all his questions except one: she refused to tell him her age.

“But everyone tells their age to the census taker,” he said.

“Did Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?” she asked.

“Certainly,” he replied.

“Well, I’m the same age as they are,” she snapped.

The census taker simply wrote on the form, “As old as the Hills.”