Humor #469

A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.

The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”

 —–

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

 The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”

 The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”

 —–

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen.

 “Well now, where’s my bucket and where’s my water?” Gramma asked him.

 “I can’t get any water from that water hole, Gramma” exclaimed Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”

“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Gramma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

—–

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back to Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”

—–

My 3-year-old son, Ian, enjoys the Bible story about Samuel hearing God’s voice at night. One evening after reading the story to Ian, I asked him if God had ever spoken to him.

To my surprise, he answered, “Yes.”

“What did God say to you?” I asked.

Ian thought and then said in his deepest voice, “Ian! Go to bed!”

That explained why Ian settles down more quickly when I’m outside his room and tell him to go to bed.

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