Humor #470

Immortality Jokes: They never get old!

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During the summer lull between graduate school studies I outlined my sermons for the coming fall. At the end of August I submitted the sermon titles for each week until Christmas to the local newspaper.

At the beginning of September, the church school superintendent requested that I recognize and install the teachers during a Sunday morning worship service. I agreed to do this, but warned him that I had already outlined my sermons for the next few months and at this late date I did not have the time to prepare a special Christian Education Sunday sermon. He affirmed that this was unnecessary and so I sent notice of the installation service to the local newspaper.

A few days before Christian Education Sunday the newspaper reported: “This coming Sunday, the Sunday school teachers of the Oxford Church will be recognized and installed. Reverend Eversull’s special sermon for this occasion is entitled, “Father Forgive Them for They Know Not What They Do!”

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A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

Lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?”

Witness: “Yes, sir.”

Lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”

Witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one-quarter inches.”

Lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”

Witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”

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A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well

“Yes! Of course! My pop taught me…even more than 10”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answers the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your erm…dad did a good job. Now…so what comes after…lets say ten?”

“A jack”

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My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.  It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

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My grade school daughter, Emily, fidgeted nonstop during our new pastor’s first sermon. After 20 minutes of sighing and wiggling, she turned to me and whispered, “Mom, does this guy get paid to do this?” I smiled and nodded my head.

Ten more minutes passed and his sermon still wasn’t close to conclusion. Again, Emily tugged at my arm and in a low voice said, “How much?”

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