Humor #473

I have never liked thunderstorms. A few weeks ago, as I sat at my kitchen table during a particularly noisy storm, I started to pray in an effort to comfort myself. As lightning and thunder split the night sky on all sides, my prayer unwittingly began, “Dear LOUD Jesus …”

—–

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.

She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

—–

 I’ve sure gotten old!

I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

 But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license!

—–

Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner.

Shirley says, “Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?”

Abe says, “Do I care?”

A few minutes later Shirley says, “Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?”

Abe says, “Who cares?”

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, “Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?”

Abe says, “Shirley, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t get moving, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special.”

—–

“Hello, hello?” shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. “Is this the SPCA?”

“Yes.”

“I want you to send somebody over right away.”

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree teasing my dog.”