Humor #486

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.”

The Guarneri family soon followed suit and put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.”

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: “We make the best violins on the block.”

—–

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

Forget calling them “Veal Parmigiana” or “Turkey Loaf” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

If you look in my freezer you’ll see “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” and, my favorite, “Food.”

That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I’m certain to have what he wants.”

—–

A minister was doing story time in Sunday school, talking about the good shepherd.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren’t smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd’s job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, “If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?” He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed.  Then a young visitor said, ” Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd.”

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, “Well, then, who am I?”

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, “I guess you must be a sheep dog.”

—–

Groaner: The Incredible Jungle Bungle

 

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”

Customer: “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?” A

Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”

—–

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress.  He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.

As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion.  By this time he had learned just the right things to say.  “It’s perfect!” he exclaimed.  “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”

Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out.  “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”

Advertisements