Humor #496

A Pastor was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding.  An anxious old man met him at the door.  The pastor sat down to counsel him.  The Pastor asked several questions.

“Do you love her?”

The old man replied, “I guess.”

“Is she a good Christian woman?”

“I don’t know for sure,” the old man answered.

“Does she have lots of money?” asked the pastor.

“I doubt it.”

“Then why are you marrying her?” the preacher asked.

“She is allowed to drive at night,” the old man said.

 —–

The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student’s neighbor, “Hey, wake that student up!”

The neighbor yells back, “You put him to sleep — you wake him up!”

—–

 As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh sir?”

—–     

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.

The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“

“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

—–

 When a waitress in a New York City restaurant brought an Englishman the soup of the day, he was a bit dismayed.

“Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?”

“It’s bean soup,” she replied.

“I don’t care what it’s been,” he replied. “What is it now?”

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Humor #495

A Sunday school class of kindergartners was studying the creation story. After several weeks, they were ready to review. “What did God make the first day?” the teacher quizzed. “The second day?” They answered both questions correctly.

“And what happened on the third day?” she asked.

One little child, face shining with enthusiasm, exclaimed, “He rose from the dead!”

—–

The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school.

One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.”

 —–

 Recently a young woman came into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins.

Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart.

She gave him a funny look before responding, “No, I haven’t had any problem. This is Benjamin, and this is Elizabeth.”

 —–

After trying to for hours to get my daughters to clean their room, I burst in and yelled,

“GET THIS ROOM CLEAN NOW, BEFORE I HAVE A COW!!!”

My youngest daughter (3 years old) looked at me with a very puzzled expression and said,

“You mean you’re going to get rid of us and have a cow instead?”

—–

 Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale. “No, Johnny! Stop! That’s horrible! You can’t eat worms!”

Trying to convince him further she noted, “The mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm.”

“No, she isn’t,” said Johnny.

“How do you know she’s not?” said the mother.

“Because I ate her first!” answered Little Johnny.

 

Humor #494

Jones jumped up from the card table white with rage.

“Stop this game,” he shouted, “Smith is cheating!”

“How do you know?”

“He’s not playing the hand I dealt him.”

—–

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.

In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table.  It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook.  As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking.  The woman’s three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams.  The woman mumbled some colorful words.

She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband’s voice on the other end say, “Nobody’s said hello yet, but I’m positive I have the right number.”

—–

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David’s comment.

Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. “Listen”, she said………..”What do you suppose that is?”

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap – tap – tapping deep in his chest.

Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, “Is that Jesus knocking?”

—–

My nieces Jessica, age five, and Stephanie, age three, were chatting with their mom when Stephanie asked, “Mommy, does God really make rainbows?”

“Of course he does,” my sister replied. Jessica nudged Stephanie and explained, “Only God has such big crayons.”

—–

When my husband and I taught 2- and 3-year-olds in Sunday school, a Bible verse we helped them memorize was (Psalms 56:3), “When I am afraid, I will trust in you.” Our preschool son, Mark, was one of our pupils. One stormy night, as lightning flashed and thunder boomed, the electricity suddenly went off. “I’m not afraid,” Mark assured us as we groped in the dark for candles and matches. Expecting him to quote the Bible verse he recently learned, I proudly prompted him, “And tell us why you aren’t afraid.”

” ‘Cause I’ve got my flashlight.”

Humor #493

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”

The wife replies; “I did, they were in your tackle box.”

—–

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for?

He replied, “The expiration date.”

—–

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn’t move an inch. So what was that for, he asked.

Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.

—–

The showers in my daughter’s dorm turned scalding hot whenever a toilet was flushed. To warn others, residents would yell out, “Flushing!” each time they flushed the toilets.

During one of my daughter’s visits home, a friend stopped by to chat for a while. I was explaining how my daughter was acting more distant now that she was in college, and that she didn’t tell me all about her life the way she used to.

Suddenly we heard my daughter call out from the bathroom, “Flushing!”

“Wow!” said my friend, “How much more do you want to know?”

—–

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

The blind lady said, “No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.”

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind! Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Humor #492

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at that time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”

—–

Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot. They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.

 —–

 “Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

 —-

 Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother?

Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.

Doctor: really? How long has this been going on?

Boy: Five years.

Doctor: Five years!

Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.

 —–

 Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.” She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.”

“Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.”

“It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’”

Humor #491

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about Their fathers.

The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,

They give him $50.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,

He calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,

He calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’

—–

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.

“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.

“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”

“Humph!” retorted the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”

—–

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely.

“It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

—–

Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, “You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?”

“Yes,” I replied, “That is a good analogy.”

“I don’t know how to make egg rolls,”  another mother said anxiously.

“Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?”

—–

Two medical residents were invited to a costume party after their shift ended. They stopped at the Army/Navy store to see if they could find costumes but only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues.

But that was okay. One wore the top half and one wore the bottom half … they went as an upper and lower GI.

Humor #490

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

—–

I’ve always tried to teach my children to let others go first. One day I explained to them how God feels about this idea: “If you are last here on earth, you will be first in heaven.”

Not long after, our family was seated at the dinner table when my 5-year-old son, Mitch, said, “Mom always likes to eat last because she wants to be first in heaven!”

—–

A seminary student was leading the music for a small church. His first Sunday “jitters” became apparent after the choir completed a beautiful special number and, relieved, he turned to the congregation and said, “Let’s all stand and sing, ‘When We All Get to Heaven’ while the choir goes down below.”

——

A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, “Surgery is the oldest technology in the world. It’s in the Bible. God removed Adam’s rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endeavors.”

Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says, “Before that, God formed the earth, the stars, and everything from nothing but chaos. He created rivers, mountains and oceans. This was clear evidence that civil engineering pre-dates all other technological endeavors.”

No to be outdone, the computer scientist points out, “Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?”

—–

A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.

The father says, “Son, think of it this way: If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you.”