Humor #490

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

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I’ve always tried to teach my children to let others go first. One day I explained to them how God feels about this idea: “If you are last here on earth, you will be first in heaven.”

Not long after, our family was seated at the dinner table when my 5-year-old son, Mitch, said, “Mom always likes to eat last because she wants to be first in heaven!”

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A seminary student was leading the music for a small church. His first Sunday “jitters” became apparent after the choir completed a beautiful special number and, relieved, he turned to the congregation and said, “Let’s all stand and sing, ‘When We All Get to Heaven’ while the choir goes down below.”

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A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, “Surgery is the oldest technology in the world. It’s in the Bible. God removed Adam’s rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endeavors.”

Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says, “Before that, God formed the earth, the stars, and everything from nothing but chaos. He created rivers, mountains and oceans. This was clear evidence that civil engineering pre-dates all other technological endeavors.”

No to be outdone, the computer scientist points out, “Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?”

—–

A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.

The father says, “Son, think of it this way: If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you.”

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