Humor #504

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation.

His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn’t help.  Her son’s memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, “I am the light of the world.”

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, “My mother is the light of the world.”

——

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

“You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them.”

“All right,” said the farmer. “I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She’s been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board.”

“Anybody else?” asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

“Yeah,” the farmer said. “This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco.”

“Aha!” the agent roared. “I want to talk to that man!”

“Speaking,” said the farmer.

 —–

 Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny (a future lawyer) hollers out,

“Okay, everyone in the house, please be advised that I, little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!”

 —–

One day my brother-in-law noticed an elderly lady slowly pushing a cart through the supermarket parking lot.

Ever courteous, he insisted on taking it over for her.

The woman struggled alongside, doing her best to keep up.

At the entrance, he said, “Here you go, Ma’am,” and gave her the cart.

Catching her breath, she said, “Thank you, but I was using it to lean on.”

—–

 “Jet lag is nature’s way of making sure you look like your passport photo.”

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Humor #503

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, “Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful – so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing.”

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, “Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!”

 —–

 While we were working at a men’s clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband’s blue eyes stand out.

“Ma’am,” he explained, “any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough.”

 —–

Apple Inc. has developed a new high tech toilet. The details are not yet clear, but the company is torn between two names for the new device: Either the iPood, or the iPeed.

 —–

 Husband’s note on refrigerator to wife: “Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.  They said the Pabst Beer is normal.  I didn’t know you liked beer.”

 —–

A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.

The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying “I am not sure that is a duck.”

The Psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying 的 know it’s a duck, but I’m not sure that it knows it’s a duck.”

The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. He turns to the pathologist and says “Go see if that was a duck.”

 —–

 A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.”

 So what do you do?”

 The father replied: “I send him to my room!”

Humor #502

During seminary, the professors always began their classes with prayer. Before one final exam, a student timidly raised his hand.

“Yes, what is it?” the professor asked sternly.

“Sir, aren’t you forgetting one thing?”

“And just what would that be?”

“To pray for us,” the student gulped.

 —–

 After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 straight days, I went to the squadron command master chief to complain. “Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world,” I said, “but for the past three months all I’ve seen is water.”

“Lieutenant,” he replied, “three-quarters of the earth is covered with water, and the Navy has been showing you that. If you wanted to see the other quarter, you should have joined the Army.”

 —–

 The gentleman stopped to talk to the small girl who was making mud pies on the sidewalk.

“My word,” he exclaimed, “you are pretty dirty, aren’t you,my little girl?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I am prettier clean.”

—–

 At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

“I certainly do,” he replied. “Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”

 —–

 I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife’s not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn’t realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted, and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

“That’s okay, honey,” I said. “You still have me.”

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “Yes,” she wailed, “but you don’t work either!”

Humor #501

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down, it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, but it also made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

“This computer has flat-lined,” a co-worker called out with mock horror. “Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?”

—–

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.” In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.” Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.” Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”

—–

At our daughter’s high school graduation, I couldn’t help noticing a young man sporting a long bleached blond ponytail sprouting from the top of his otherwise shaved head. A heavy link chain hung around his neck, and one ear displayed several earrings.

I had to smile when I heard him say to his friend, “Man, I feel so out of place. I’m the only guy here not wearing a tie.”

—–

My friend’s father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property. As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and re-locked the car.

—–

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: “Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?”

 Young Bobby replied with “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”

 —–

 A farmer walks into a lawyer’s office and says: “I’d like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees”

 “Yes sir, I believe I can help you” replied the lawyer. “Do you have any grounds?”

 “Oh shore do!”, exclaimed the farmer, “Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar.”

 “No no…, I mean do you have a case?” asked the lawyer.

 “No sur,” replied the farmer, “I drive one of them John Deer’s”

 “You don’t understand,” said the lawyer, “You need something like a grudge.”

 “Oh!!” said the farmer, “I got me one of those! That’s what I park muh Deer in!”

 The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, “Sir, you’ve got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?”

 “No sur”, replied the farmer, “I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin.”

 Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, “WHY do you want a divorce?”

 “Oh, well…” replied the farmer, “She says we jus can’t communicate!!” 

Humor #500

My friend’s father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property. As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and re-locked the car.

—–

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when a sign came up that read “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.  Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.  The officer gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

 —–

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, “Dressed a little casually today, aren’t we?”

The man replied, “That’s one benefit of owning the company….”

—–

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.

When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

“Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”

“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?” “They called back!” 

—–

Government surveyors came to Ole’s farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.

The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, “Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter.”

Ole replied, “What’s the bad news?”

The surveyors stated, “Well, after our work here, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!”

Ole looked at Lea and said, “That’s the best news I have heard in a long time. I just told Lena this morning that I don’t think I can take another winter in Minnesota.”

Humor #499

Government surveyors came to Ole’s farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.

The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, “Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter.”

Ole replied, “What’s the bad news?”

The surveyors stated, “Well, after our work here, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!”

Ole looked at Lea and said, “That’s the best news I have heard in a long time. I just told Lena this morning that I don’t think I can take another winter in Minnesota.”

—–

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down, it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, but it also made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

“This computer has flat-lined,” a co-worker called out with mock horror. “Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?”

—–

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?” The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix ’em, put ’em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic… “Try doing it with the engine running”

—–

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.” In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.” Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.” Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”

—–

At our daughter’s high school graduation, I couldn’t help noticing a young man sporting a long bleached blond ponytail sprouting from the top of his otherwise shaved head. A heavy link chain hung around his neck, and one ear displayed several earrings.

 

I had to smile when I heard him say to his friend, “Man, I feel so out of place. I’m the only guy here not wearing a tie.”

Humor #498

Puns and Such

If Santa Claus had a father, do you think there must have been a Grandfather Claus?

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
(Aesop, 620 BC – 560 BC)

I always prayed before my trigonometry tests. I was hoping for a sine from above.
(Pun of the Day)

Why do crazy people always jump off the tops of buildings to see if they can fly? Wouldn’t it be safer to try to fly UP to the top?
(Aaron Luchich in Ruminations)

Q: What’s the difference between a church bell and a politician?
A: A church bell peals from the steeple.
(Stan Kegel’s Puns of the Day)

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.

“Nothing raises a golf score like witnesses.” (from a fortune cookie)

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?  (BWJokes.com)

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.
Something is very wrong when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree.

I’m trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable.

It’s amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner.

Overheard on the Pediatrics floor: “Are you medical or surgical?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Were you sick when you came in here, or did they make you sick when you got here?”

I used to try a lot of different sports when I was a kid, without ever excelling in any particular one. Then I got older and realized you can *buy* trophies. Now I’m good at everything.   (Demetri Martin)

This car: designed by computer, built by robot, driven by moron.

Billboard for a safe company: “If your stuff is stolen, it’s not our vault.”