Humor #498

Puns and Such

If Santa Claus had a father, do you think there must have been a Grandfather Claus?

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
(Aesop, 620 BC – 560 BC)

I always prayed before my trigonometry tests. I was hoping for a sine from above.
(Pun of the Day)

Why do crazy people always jump off the tops of buildings to see if they can fly? Wouldn’t it be safer to try to fly UP to the top?
(Aaron Luchich in Ruminations)

Q: What’s the difference between a church bell and a politician?
A: A church bell peals from the steeple.
(Stan Kegel’s Puns of the Day)

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.

“Nothing raises a golf score like witnesses.” (from a fortune cookie)

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?  (

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.
Something is very wrong when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree.

I’m trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable.

It’s amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner.

Overheard on the Pediatrics floor: “Are you medical or surgical?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Were you sick when you came in here, or did they make you sick when you got here?”

I used to try a lot of different sports when I was a kid, without ever excelling in any particular one. Then I got older and realized you can *buy* trophies. Now I’m good at everything.   (Demetri Martin)

This car: designed by computer, built by robot, driven by moron.

Billboard for a safe company: “If your stuff is stolen, it’s not our vault.”