Humor #513

There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

—–

Jill received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.

“Is this some kind of mistake?” Jill asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

“No, not at all,” the doctor said calmly.

“Well,” said Jill, “that’s awfully costly for knocking someone out.”

“Not at all,” replied the doctor. “I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around.”

—–

 There once was a fellow from Yuma,

Who told an elephant joke to a Puma.

Now his skeleton lies

Under hot Western skies.

The Puma had no sense of huma!

—–

On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I’d recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money. “We’re in trouble!” He said. “We’re out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth.”

I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn’t allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I’d left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss.

“Where are the quarters?” He asked.

“Right here,” I said breathlessly.

His face sank. “I meant chicken quarters.”

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Humor #512

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, “You are wrong. That’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”

Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”

—-

A physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

Be still, my heart, she thought, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

 —–

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.

Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.

“What have I done?” I asked.

“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling.

“I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies.”

—–

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”

“Really?” he said.  Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”

The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”

—–

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture.” The man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife,” said the man.

Humor #511

 A good ole Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looked at him and said, “What are you gonna do with that? There ain’t no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here.”

He said, “I won it and I’m a gonna keep it.”

His brother came over to visit several days later. He saw the wife and asked where his brother was. She said, “He’s out there in his bass boat,” pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother headed out behind the house and saw his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yelled out to him, “What are you doing?”

His brother yelled back, “I’m fishin’. What does it look like I’m a doing?”

His brother yelled, “It’s people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin’ everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I’d come out there and give you what for!”

 —–

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said.  “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

—–

 A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, “How was I born?”

“Well, honey,” said the slightly prudish mother, “the stork brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the boy. “And how did you and Daddy get born?”

“Oh, the stork brought us, too.”

“Well, how were Grandpa and Grandma born?” the boy persisted.

“Well, darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher, who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

 —–

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

“Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”

Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness – and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

—–

 My son stayed up half the night studying for his English literature exam. He would drink coffee almost constantly while attempting to read “The Canterbury Tales.” I awoke at 4:00 a.m. and found him studying. I asked him, “What have you got there?”

He answered, “Just my cup and Chaucer.”

Humor #510

A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, “Didn’t you hear me?! I’m a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!”

The guy took the frog out and said, “Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don’t have time for a girlfriend,……..but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!” 

 —–

Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side?

He’s alright now! 

 —–

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “My friends, just be thankful we’re still on this side of the grass!”

—–

 We had made some changes in our lives.

My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.

When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug.

He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.

“Did you really miss me that much today, dear?” I asked.

“No,” came the reply.

“But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go.”

—–

 “I’ve just had the most awful time,” said a boy to his friends. “First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.”

“Wow! How did you pull through?” sympathized his friends.

“I don’t know,” the boy replied. “Toughest spelling test I ever had.”

 

Humor #509

An old, stingy lawyer was dying and was determined to prove wrong the old saying; “You can’t take it with you.” He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan: Put the bags directly over his bed and when he died grab them on his way up to heaven.

 One day the old ambulance chaser died. When his wife was up cleaning in the attic one day, she came across the forgotten pillowcases. She then said to herself, “That old fool. I knew he should have had me put them in the basement!”

 —–

 Two Cows are talking through a fence. One cow says to the other, “You know, I’m really worried about this Mad Cow Disease.”

 The other cow says to him, “I wouldn’t be too worried about it. It can’t affect us chickens.”

 —–

 Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, “We might as well give up. They’re coming after us with flashlights.

 —–

 Mad men are given a test to check their mental state. The instructor draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out.

They start rushing to the door but one remains sitting. The instructor goes to him and asks; “why didn’t you join the others?”

 He replies, “let them fight they forgot I have the keys”

 —–

 A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, “Four shots, please!” The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. “Two shots!” he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, “One shot bartender.” So the bartender fills the glass. The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, “You know, it’s a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get.”

Humor #508

Honest Toy Disclaimers

* No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

* Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

* Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

* Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

* Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.

* Do not stare at product. Hey! You’re doing it now! Cut that out!!

* In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.

* Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

* Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.

* Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

* NOTE: The makers of “Queen Amidala’s Naboo Dream Palace” assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.

* Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

Humor #507

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.”

The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that field.” The Highways employee said, “I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land.”

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, “Show him your card!!”

 —–

 A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man’s milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.” 

 ——

 The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

 “I’ll tell you why,” said Deacon Brown. “Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.”

“Well,” interrupted the dealer, “didn’t you receive them yet?”

“Oh, we received them all right,” replied Deacon Brown. “However, you sent us some golf pencils … each stamped with the words, ‘Play Golf Next Sunday.'”

—–

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, ‘I Shall Not Be Moved.’

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, ‘Jesus Paid It All.’

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was ‘I Love To Tell The Story.’

The preacher became disgusted over the situation and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang ‘Oh, Why Not Tonight.’

When the preacher resigned the next week he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus.’